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How we're going to bust out of the middle class

July 19, 2012 - Burton Cole (humor columnist)
OK, I'm busting out of middle class. Who's with me? I'm going to need a touch of help here.

President Obama's definition of middle class is a family that makes up to $250,000 a year. On the other side of the campaign aisle, Mitt Romney sets the top end at $200,000 a year.

As much as a quarter-million dollars a year and we're still poor enough for middle class? Whoa. Obviously, most of us will never trade in our rags for riches alone. But what if piled all our rags together?

First, we need to know where the middle ends and upper crust begins. Since the politicians trot out fuzzy definitions, let's set our goal at the $250,000 mark, just to be on the safe side. Otherwise, we might not know when we're rolling in the dough. What fun would being wealthy be if we missed it?

Here's my plan: First, my wife and I and all my siblings and their spouses will move in together. That kick-starts the “family income” thing.

Next we'll add in all our kids' summer jobs. Still family, so it still counts.

Then we'll collect pop cans to cash in, knit some potholders to sell and maybe set up a lemonade stand.

That should shoot us into the upper middle class.

But the goal is to be rich. So let's expand the family. I'm thinking if we adopt three more brothers or sisters – especially ones willing to mow lawns and hire out as dog walkers – and move them into the house, we ought to push that family income over the quarter million mark.

There you have it. We'll finally find out how the other half lives. (In pretty crowded conditions, from the sounds of it.)

So who's in? Together, we'll bust out of the middle class and smash our way into prosperity. At least until the politicians change the definition again.


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Practicing for upper crust life.


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