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Ponderings on a groggy Monday

April 16, 2012 - Burton Cole (humor columnist)

Chalk it up to a groggy Monday. I find myself full of ponderings today but I can’t clear the fog enough to tell what makes sense.

If one fruit is called an orange, why is a grape called a purple and a banana called a yellow?

Science tells us that an ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. What exactly, I wonder, compelled that scientist to offer an ant a Budweiser?

Nothing makes sense to me today. Yesterday was Tax Day – April 15 – but taxes aren’t due until tomorrow, April 17. So what’s today? A taunt?

Here are a few other facts, figures and research sent by readers or flung about the Internet. Most were posted without attribution, otherwise, I’d be happy to blame someone else for questions clogging my mind. Come ponder with me.

• My wife’s kitchen has lemon juice made with artificial flavoring and dish soap made with real lemons. Why?

• Do people pass out their “words of wisdom” so freely because they aren’t using any themselves?

• My wool sweater shrank in the wash. Why don’t sheep shrink in the rain? Is somebody pulling pranks at the wool factory?

• Is it because light travels faster than sound that some people seem bright until they open their mouths?

• If it’s called the Department of the Interior, why is it in charge of the outdoors?

• Science says a hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4-foot-tall child inside. I suspect the scientist who figured this out is the same guy who got the ants falling-down-on-their-right-sides-drunk.

• Why is the professional who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the doctor cutting into your chest after the broker tells you you’re broke merely “practicing” medicine? Shouldn’t he be operating for real? Maybe he heard from the broker that you’re broke.

• I’ve never seen a mouse-flavored cat food. Or a garbage-flavored dog food.

• I paid several thousand dollars for the car I park outside my garage. I park it outside because the inside is filled with junk valued at approximately thirteen dollars and twenty-seven cents. Why?

• Why have we never read a headline that states, “Psychic wins lottery!”

• Why do I press harder on the buttons on the dead remote instead of changing the battery?

• Science says a frog can’t see anything that isn’t moving. And if a frog can't see it, he won't eat it. As I stand very still by the pond and say nothing else today (Shh! Don’t anybody move), I ponder what that scientist was up to this time.

What a groggy Monday!


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