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The (unfair) bliss of guyhood explained

August 30, 2011 - Burton Cole (humor columnist)

Sorting through my email, I found several varieties of lists explaining why men are so happy.

I don’t know who began the list – probably not a man since a true guy would be too busy polishing his TV set in preparation for the upcoming football season – so I can’t give blame where blame is due. It’s been circulating for a while and keeps cropping back up. Obviously, it hit a nerve.

Here’s a annotated sampling of the ones I’ve seen. Send me some of yours. I figure we can freshen up this old circular.

* The garage is all yours. (Hmm. Somehow this one passed me by.)

* Wedding plans take care of themselves. (I tried but was informed my help wasn’t helping. What? I could have rocked that purple tuxedo.)

* Chocolate is just another snack. (Chocolate is lifeblood, not a “snack.”)

* The world is your urinal. (No comment.)

* Wrinkles add character. (I am becoming quite a character. Also way smarter, if it’s true that a graying head symbolizes growing wisdom.)

* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. (OK, explain this one. If new shoes did any of those things, why get them in the first place? )

* A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. (I once took the microwave on a long weekend. I learned to condense.)

* You can open all your own jars. (Sometimes, in cases of emergency, you may whap the jar against the countertop till the jar “opens,” then pick the glass out of the strawberry jelly.)

* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. (For all the kisses washing a sink full of dishes nets, it’s surprising I’m not up to my elbows in suds more often.)

* If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. (Most of the time it’s a huge relief to be left out. Events have a way of overlapping important ball games or important naps.)

* You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. (My wife is trying to teach me. She came up with a set of flashcards – wrinkled, not wrinkled. When I learn the difference, we’re going to move on to dust.)

* Your belly usually hides your big hips. (It also hides my belt.)

OK, lay a few of yours on me.


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