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For a price, 'The Substantial' won't wear your fashions

August 17, 2011 - Burton Cole (humor columnist)
Here’s an odd twist on product placement.

Abercrombie & Fitch offered a bunch of cash to Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino and his castmates of MTV’s “Jersey Shore” if they will STOP wearing A&F brand clothing.

“We are deeply concerned that Mr. Sorrentino’s association with our brand could cause significant damage to our image,” the retailer of preppy teen wear states in a Tuesday new release. Plus, the reality TV series is “contrary to the aspirational nature of the brand.”

A&F didn’t say how much money. Still, I would like to issue my own news release:

Dear Abercrombie & Fitch:

If you think “The Situation” is a bad representation of your brand, to quote The Joker, “Wait till they get a load of me.”

“The Situation” is young, hip and sports six-pack abs. I am gray, my hips creak and the abs – I believe they're in there somewhere – would be better described as pony keg.

“The Sitch” may tarnish your product line, but seeing me strutting down the mall in those duds will send the kids screaming for the exits.

I sincerely believe it would behoove you to pay me beaucoup bucks to also NOT wear your clothing.

Thank you,

Burton “The Substantial” Cole

P.S. Do you know anyone at Nike? I’m betting they’d also like to pay me to NOT wear their running shoes while I’m out lumbering around the track.

P.P.S. To the manufacturers of jeggings for men -- those ballerina-like leggings colored to resemble very tight, skinny jeans -- you don’t have to bother. There ain’t no way “The Substantial” is wearing those, anyway.


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