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Daddy Caddies need some back-to-school lovin', too

August 9, 2011 - Burton Cole (humor columnist)
These days, I get to sit back and snicker all through back-to-school shopping season since mine capped and gowned years ago. That wasn’t the case in 1996 when buddy Tom Reed came up with what I thought one of the greatest ideas of all time. I again offer up his brilliance in this excerpt from the still timely Daddy Caddies column:


Shopping of most any kind is cruel and unusual punishment. Back-to-school shopping is a particularly fatal strain of this disease.

Back-to-school shopping often entails hours of hacking one's way through acres and acres of clothing racks, shoe shelves and glue and crayon aisles at a cost slightly less than the national debt.

The father's primary function during this torture is to hold out his arms. The shoppers in the family then will fill them up with one part “Clothes We Will Buy,” and four parts “Clothes Daddy will Carry Around for Three Hours until We Find a Dressing Room and Debate and Decide.”

Look around any department store or mall during back-to-school season. You will see us, loaded arms outstretched, trailing family shopping safaris.

Together, we make up one of the largest organizations in America: the Back-to-School Daddy Caddies.

Sometimes, Daddy Caddies are asked for their opinions. But when it becomes apparent our fashion knowledge begins and ends with, “Lemme see the price tag,” we are made to hush up and keep our arms up.

That is why I wish to promote the business venture of my friend Tom the sportswriter.

Tom plans a national chain of shopping alternatives for men, with a goal of one such business in every shopping mall. The working name for this chain is “Slugs R Us.” However, because of possible trademark infringements with an actual shopping chain with a similar name, the name may need shortened to just “Slugs.”

“Slugs” would be a storefront, only filled with booths equipped with easy chairs and large screen, satellite TVs. Each booth would come with popcorn, nachos, cold pop and a remote control.

For a modest fee – although I believe Tom could charge outrageous prices and get it willingly, so great would be the demand – guys could rent a booth, strip to their underwear, sink into a recliner, scratch themselves, zap on football or the seasonal sports of their choice, and enjoy the family shopping trip.

Tom is sitting on the golden recliner with this one.


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