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Oxymoron probably means intelligence leaking out

August 5, 2011 - Burton Cole (humor columnist)
Is the phrase “adult male” an oxymoron? Well, as a proponent of “serious humor,” I am playing the “wise fool” and leaving this issue for someone who is “awfully good” at diplomacy to decipher. That way, we can keep the shouting down to a “dull roar.”

This week’s “Burt’s Eye View” featured language oddities and a few oxymorons. If you missed it, click the link. If you caught it (what an all-star form you used making that grab, by the way), following are a few oxymorons that failed to make the cut.

But first, what is an “oxymoron”? Well, by breaking the word down to its components, we know that “oxy” means “air,” as in oxygen, and “moron” means … well, do we really have to spell that one out? Therefore, any oxymoron, literally translated, is an “airhead.”

So then…

Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game.’’ The only place we usually sing that sing is when we’re already AT the ballgame.

While at the ballgame, we “sit” in “stands.” If there’s standing room only, shouldn’t we be sent off to “stand” in “seats”?

If you’re the kind of person who expects the unexpected, that means since you were expecting it, the unexpected wasn’t.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Has anyone every asked you for the “bigger half” of something? If the person was your algebra teacher, should you risk English instead?

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead? (That one was for literal “oxymorons.”)

And for “oxymorons” Lite (we know something marked as “Lite” is low-calorie because they didn’t use all the letters), we pose this question: How do bath towels get dirty? Aren’t we freshly clean when we use them? What happens in those three seconds between turning off the water and swishing the towel?

There, don’t you feel more intelligent already?


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