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Aging somewhat gracefully -- with discounts

July 28, 2011 - Burton Cole (humor columnist)
Today’s email contained a list both disturbing and exciting. The subject line reads: “Information: 108 Stores with Senior Discounts.”

Excuse me a moment while I adjust my bifocals, scratch the white of my beard and adjust the frame on my grandson’s photo. You know us old people.

Now that we have that out of the way, allow me to say … WHAT!!??

What’s this conspiracy to push me into the fast car down the long and graying road well before my driver’s license allows? Card me!

AARP’s been after me since I blew out 45 or 46 candles on my birthday cake. (I used an air compressor to whoosh the flames all at once. Here’s a hint, kids: Aim high. Frosting blows a long way across the room.)

Polite people have been asking after the welfare of my grandchildren well before Sebastian showed up – which was only a little more than two years ago, by the way.

And now, a well-meaning friend – former friend, I mean – forwards me the list of senior discounts.

I will not publish the list as I have yet to verify its accuracy. However, it appears that I might – even at my youthful age – wish to conduct some research. For educational purposes.

For example, the list claims Krispy Kreme offers 10 percent off for anyone older than 50. That’s exactly the kind of incentive I need to admit that yes, I did coast over the half century mark.

Some fashion stores are in. The list says Banana Republic offers 10 percent to the 50-plus mod squad. The last time I wandered into a house of fashion at the mall, not only did the kidling behind the counter scrunch up her nose, but she seemed to consider anyone 30 or more ancient as geriatric enough. “We don’t sell black socks to wear with flip-flops,” she said by way of greeting.

Mainstay Suites is listed as offering 10 percent off with a “Mature Traveler’s Discount” for those older than 50. When I reach “senior” status of 60, I can get 20 to 30 percent lopped off my bill, according to the vicious email.

I suppose I there’s no point in denying the calendar. It’s going to win, and, as they say, it beats the alternative. Plus, in three years or so, my pizza and pancakes are going to get a lot cheaper. Yep, I’ll quit listing my age as “39” for ice cream and doughnut discounts.


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