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A Bird in the Hand ... Probably means you need a glove

July 25, 2011 - Burton Cole (humor columnist)
Friends, antagonists and strangers both perfect and imperfect often send me maxims for life.

I dump them into the frying pan with the other adages, let them simmer on a back burner for a while, occasionally stirring in a pinch of Benchley or teaspoon Thurber or Twain, and eventually one of these axioms cooks itself into a fine ingredient for a “Burt’s Eye View” concoction.

With another deadline coming up, I’m running the spatula through the slices to see if anything looks seasoned enough. Here’s a sampling of the sayings, which come varied sources. Feel free to stir in a few of your own into the stew.

* Accept the fact that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue!

* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

* Never buy a car you can’t push.

* Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late. AND – The second mouse gets the cheese.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

* Trust in God but lock your car.

* If you’re feeling good, don’t worry you’ll get over it.

* The more time you spend on reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

* Men are happier because, among other things, their bellies usually hide their big hips, they are unable to see wrinkles in their clothes, wrinkles add character, and they never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s “just too icky.”

And, of course, the all-time favorite:

* When all else fails, read the instructions

 
 

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