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Waving at the heat with a (melting) smile

July 19, 2011 - Burton Cole (humor columnist)
Baby, it’s hot outside. Want to feel cooler? Try these tips. (Warning, they are the product of an overheated imagination.)

*Shrug into your parka and fill all the pockets with ice cubes. Wander down the sidewalk, handing every person you pass an ice cube. Excitedly tell them, “I just got back from a rescue mission to the Antarctic. Here’s your piece of iceberg to save from global warming.”

* Get the dog and the washtub and head for the backyard. But this time, YOU get in the tub and splash the dog. It should be more enjoyable for both of you.

* With toothpaste, squirt the words “Chill, Dude!” on your forehead. Lie in the sun for an hour or two until you have a temporary tattoo. Saunter around the mall, flashing a thumbs up to everyone who stares.

* Instead of a lemonade stand, set up a Super Soaker stand. Charge passers-by a quarter a soaking. (It is best, but not necessary, to wait until the victim, uh, client, expresses interest in being soaked before firing.)

* Pack a fresh set of clothing, complete with underwear, in the freezer. At noon, change clothes. For a couple minutes at least, the heat wave will feel refreshing.

(Note: At no time have any of these ideas been approved by the AMA, the CDC, Major League Baseball or Congress. Well, maybe Congress.)


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