Smart deal is washing one’s hands of laundry

It seems some people are willing to do just about anything to get out of laundry.

My guess is that most of them are people who wash clothes the ”right” way. The bachelor method that I learned in college isn’t all that complicated.

I no longer use the bachelor method as a married man because my wife seems slow to understand its wisdom. She muttered something about holding my breath through the spin cycle.

I got to thinking about the problem the other day when Air 1 disc jockey Brant Hansen posed a question to his listeners:

An alien offers you a Magic Washing Machine that automatically washes, dries, folds and puts away all your laundry for the rest of your life. But you need to give up 10 points of your IQ. Do you take the deal?

Hansen seemed stunned that most of his listeners were willing to lose intelligence to also lose the dreaded chore.

Here’s a sampling of responses he received in the online version of the poll:

Melinda Thomas: ”Yes! And I would donate 10 more for the Magic Dishwasher!”

Cherish Woodruff: ”Does it check and empty my husband’s pockets as well? If so, it’s an absolute deal!”

Justin E. Miller: ”Now this is one I’m willing to get stupid for.”

Sabrina Hutchinson: ”For sure yes! I’m pretty sure I already lose 10 points with the monotony of laundry anyway!!”

On the other side of the dirty clothes hamper were comments like these:

Rebecca Battis: ”No way! I like doing laundry!! … I obviously traded my IQ points for something previously.”

Denni Pascuzzi: ”I need to keep as many IQ points as I can. The kids have already killed off too many as it is. I don’t have any to spare.”

Judy Opsal: ”No deal. I’d rather be smart than lazy.”

Ah ha! That’s where a college education comes in. Twernt just book smarts I done learnt at school.

First, nothing is truly dirty after a single wearing. Simply turn the article of clothing inside out and give it air. Drape it over chairs, posts, shelves, counters, hamster cages – pretty much anything. A mound in the corner works, too.

Second, stop stressing over separating colors and materials. They’re just clothes. Cram ’em all into the washer and let ‘er rip.

If the whites turn pink, so what? Pink’s pretty popping these days. You’re not only being more efficient about the washing, you’re supporting a wonderful cause.

Forget folding. All the laundered clothes go into the dryer and stay there until you need them. As a single guy, I dressed in front of the dryer every morning. Everything I needed was in there.

Worried about wrinkles? Hit the fluff cycle for five minutes or so, shake it out, put it on and go.

Simple. But sometimes a person is matched like odd socks with a spouse who already gave up enough IQ points. They insist on laboring over laundry the hard way.

Here’s another little secret, but don’t tell. Once I duly separated all the whites in the family wash, but left a Bic pen in my shirt pocket. By the time the clothes went through both washer and dryer, the whites looked like monochrome tie-dye projects.

My wife banished me from laundry. That made it even easier. Plus, I kept all my IQ points.

Now who’s smart?

—- Would you make the trade? Tell Cole at or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.