Never right, never bored

”It must get boring being right all the time,” my buddy Gus said.

I offered a humble smile. ”Oh, I wouldn’t say I’m right ALL the time.”

”Not you, doofus. My wife. Being right all the time is her job.”

I slumped a little bit. Sure, Shannon was smart, but smarter than me? I mean, I? ”C’mon, Gus, test me. Ask me anything.”

”What’s the square root of pi?”

”Rhubarb,” I said.

Gus shook his head. ”That’s what I thought. That or cherry. But Shannon says pi’s not a dessert, it’s a number, and not a rational one, so there is no exact square root. If there was, it would be 1.77 something or other.”

I laughed. ”Seriously? Shannon thinks a number can be irrational? I’ve seen numbers get a little peeved from time to time, but they always kept their cool. There you go, Gus, she’s wrong.”

”Nope. I looked it up. She’s right. Again. She’s always right.”

”It’s not possible.”

Gus pulled a wad of papers from his back pocket. ”It is. I’ve been keeping track. Here’s the record of her rightness and my wrongness.”

I took the list, scrawled mostly in pencil, with a few lines in ink, and one that looked like…

”Is that mustard?”

”So you’re right. Big deal.” Gus shrugged. ”Couldn’t find my pencil.”

The list, in part, of things Gus thought he knew but didn’t included:

So I couldn’t coax another 12 miles out of it on ”empty.”

She was right, I did need to see a doctor for that.

In retrospect, yes, I should have read before signing.

No, the fine china won’t balance atop a tea cup tower all the way to the kitchen.

No, it turns out that they don’t make that pattern anymore.

In the song ”Michelle,” Paul McCartney sang French words, not ”Some say monkeys play piano well, play piano well.”

It really wasn’t a shortcut after all.

The Highway Patrol really does mind if I’m going that fast, even if I explain I was trying to make up for a shortcut.

It turns out the ground was too soft to support the ladder.

Well, that’s what she said would happen if I brought up that subject at the party.

Actually, buttered bread does always land face-down on the carpet.

Butter actually will stain a carpet.

Bleach is not a good stain remover to use on a carpet.

Looks like she knew what she was talking about when she said her pregnant cousin’s sense of humor isn’t forgiving enough for me to say THAT.

Actually, the USDA does NOT list Twinkies as one of the major nutritional food groups.

It really is possible to fold fitted sheets.

Yes, I guess I it would have been better to measure twice before cutting.

I really shouldn’t have pushed the red button.

I handed the list back to Gus. ”You don’t get much right, do you?”

”Nope. It keeps life from getting boring.”

”So Shannon’s always right?” I said.

Gus scratched his head. ”I wondered aloud once if she ever goofs up. She said, ‘You probably don’t want to ask that question to the woman who chose to marry you.'”

I clapped poor, ol’ Gus on the shoulder. Shannon was right again.

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