Patty Kimerer column

Am I too old for long hair, Forever 21 clothes?

I remember some years back a very smart gentleman in our circle of friends named Tom penned a song for his beautiful wife, Paulette. If memory serves, the official title was “Is 40 Too Old for Pigtails?” The song and couple were and remain, adorable. As my husband, Kerry, celebrates his ...

Proud mama stays afloat with praises for team

I can’t swim. I am not being modest or exaggerating for emphasis. I can’t swim. I am 48 years old, the daughter of a man who was a longtime YMCA swim instructor and rescue diver for the sheriff’s department, and a woman who spent many of her formative years on the shores and in the ...

Brother’s birthday luncheon is no party

I have the world’s sweetest big brother. The kind of guy who will buy a magazine for me because it contains a story about my childhood obsession, James Dean. The sort of person who will insist on walking me to my car if we leave an event simultaneously. The teddy bear of a dude who will ...

Unreal lives of ‘Real Housewives’ not worth trading for

I’m not proud of it. But I don’t deny it, either. Fine. I watch The “Real Housewives of New York” … and the one set in Orange County (the original) … and the one based in Atlanta … and the one shot in New Jersey … and of course, the granddaddy of ’em all, in my opinion, ...

Why is it still looking a lot like Christmas?

It’s been nearly 50 days. That’s getting dangerously close to two full months, people. In that time, we’ve already inaugurated a new president, said goodbye to beloved actors Mary Tyler Moore, John Hurt and Miguel Ferrer, and watched Tom Brady win yet another Super Bowl. Sigh. The ...

Ironies, fiery Crock-Pots pepper life with twists

First there was the fact that the (arguably) two NFL teams I care the least about in the entire league are playing in tonight’s Super Bowl. Frankly, I’m just watching for Lady Gaga at halftime and to check out this year’s commercials. Speaking of which, I saw a commercial encouraging me ...

Moves to head of class with failing grades

You know, ever since Kyle entered high school three years ago, I’ve had passing thoughts of what it must be like to be a teenager these days. I mean, as I see him maneuvering the process so effortlessly, it occurs to me every now and again that this talent of his might be a recessive ...

Pity passing of Patty as popular proper name

As Kyle and I stood in line at the Bureau of Motor Vehicles recently, I hardly noticed at first. I guess that’s pretty telling of the root problem, really. Allow me to backtrack. My son and I headed into the BMV to replace his driver’s license, a task we were both dreading since the ...

When life is rough, just watch some basketball

I love basketball; I just do. And anyone who even sparingly skims this space on occasion knows that I’m all about the Cleveland Cavaliers. #allin I know, we’re in a little bit of a slide; not to worry — the boys will turn it around under LeBron’s capable helm. Anyway, I love ...

Save face; keep profile photos professional

Let’s face it: We humans are obsessed with face. First of all, there are about 18 gazillion idioms commonly used (at least in the English language) with direct or veiled references to the face. Here’s a smattering: Put on a happy face; Get out of my face; She is completely ...

Daunting dental visit capped by recycled jaw bone

You know how, sometimes, when you’re having a little dental procedure and suddenly they sorta just slip part of another human being into your face? Oh, you don’t? I didn’t either, until last week. #toothextractiongonehorriblywrong Fine, I’ll retrace the painful steps for you. It ...

Channeling Clement for Valley-revised take on classic

As has become a tradition in this space, it is time once again for a decidedly PK take on the Clement Moore classic “A Visit from St. Nicholas” — or as it’s more commonly known, “’Twas the Night before Christmas”: ’Twas the morning of Christmas When all through the ...

Channeling Clement for Valley-revised take on classic

As has become a tradition in this space, it is time once again for a decidedly PK take on the Clement Moore classic “A Visit from St. Nicholas” — or as it’s more commonly known, “’Twas the Night before Christmas”: ’Twas the morning of Christmas When all through the ...

Good cheer warms bell ringers in cold weather

Back in the mid-1980s when I was young, there was a really popular song called “Life in a Northern Town” by the British band Dream Academy. I loved that song. It was all at once beautiful and haunting, and boy, it really stuck in your noggin after hearing just the first few chords. It ...

Greeting style changes but sentiment is same

I know there’s been a very contentious climate hovering in the airwaves as of late, what with so many folks bellowing their opinions so publicly every three seconds or so. Even now, as we begin the second full week in December, the brouhaha continues. It may, in fact, be one of those ...

I am Patricia and, yes, I am THAT mom

For those who may be unfamiliar with the “Meaww Quiz” feature on social media, allow me to explain. It is an auto-generated Q&A function accessible through one’s Facebook page. It poses queries such as “Who would be in your mafia gang?,” “Who were you in a former life?,” ...

The worst swim meet ever … sorta

My Sentiments Exactly Immediately upon sitting down, I dumped the extra-large cup of coffee I’d gingerly transported in the car on the one-and-a-half hour drive up to Kyle’s swim meet last Saturday. As soon as I plopped down in my chair back –– BAM! My beloved Dunkin’ Donuts ...

Help yourself to a serving of gratefulness

If Thanksgiving was a person, she’d be ticked. I don’t know why I assume she’d be a woman. I get the whole Tom Turkey thing. Perhaps it’s the sheer amount of T-Day prep and cleanup work that I rightly or wrongly attribute to being a gal’s responsibility that leads me to that ...

Consider takeaways from season of harshness

My Sentiments Exactly I know how you feel; I share your emotions. I understand how, with bated breath, you watched every second of that drama unfold last Tuesday night. It seemed to go on forever and ever and two days. It wore us all out ... came right down to the wire, as it ...

If only we could live in Hallmark Christmasland

I am a habitually early riser. I think it started when Kyle was an infant and had to be held upright after every feeding due to his severe reflux disorder. Poor little guy. Talk about your tumultuous sleep patterns. Sheesh! It worsened years later when I commuted to my job at Alliance ...