Patty Kimerer column

Moore Clement robbing, courtesy of poetess PK

As always, it’s time for my unabashed bootlegging of Clement C. Moore’s Christmas poem “A Visit from St. Nicholas” — better known as “’Twas the Night before Christmas” — a la PK, obvi. #wink ‘Twas four days before Christmas When all through my brain Manic thoughts were ...

As Frosty always says, ‘Happy birthday!’

I know it’s “The Holidays.” Sure, I’m aware that Hanukkah began last week. Yeah, I realize we are seven shopping days from... well, you know. But for me, December is more like birthday season, yo. First of all, I have clearly waxed on and on — and on a little more — about the ...

As Frosty always says, ‘Happy birthday!’

I know it’s “The Holidays.” Sure, I’m aware that Hanukkah began last week. Yeah, I realize we are seven shopping days from... well, you know. But for me, December is more like birthday season, yo. First of all, I have clearly waxed on and on — and on a little more — about the ...

Through thick and thin — and wild head spins

I was pretty sure it was in there. I mean, it’s going on 23 years now and the mind starts to falter a bit. So just to quadruple confirm, I went to the replay. As I fast-forwarded through our wedding video, there it was, plain as day. He said it, all right and not under duress or coercion, ...

Cannot believe it has been 18 years already

I don’t want to brag or anything but 18 years ago right now, I was a pretty big deal. As in circumference, yo. What I mean to say is that I was YOOOGE, as President Trump would put it. Because 18 years ago right now, I was growing a little person. And he was getting cramped, yo. I ...

Secret, secret, I’ve got a secret … admirer

I know Thanksgiving is officially over but I need to give one last shout out to a very special somebody while we’re still in that whole appreciating things mode. Therefore, I am formally, publicly and officially declaring a huge thank you to my secret admirer (SA for short), whomever he or ...

Mom and Dad, thank you for ruining my life

There is an episode of “Friends” in which Joey is rehearsing a scene with Phoebe. As they are running lines, Phoebe gets carried away and ultimately becomes overly impressed with her own acting ability, which is clearly horrible. Put off by her inflated ego, Joey puts the kibosh on ...

Stuff that might come in handy, by Mom

There are those moments in life you know instantly will be keepers. You know, those, “Oh man, stuff just got real” experiences that tattoo your heart. I had one Wednesday when our son, Kyle, signed his National Letter of Intent with Canisius College in Buffalo, N.Y. He was among five ...

Men, Mars and mayonnaise make Patty go batty

Life with boys is not for the faint of heart ... or psyche ... or nose. #seriouslycanthitthetarget Men may be from Mars — this I accepted many moons ago and for the most part, can handle. But do they really have to keep leaving the mayonnaise jar sitting out on the counter all day? I ...

Cannot wait for Halloween to be over with

Two days. I only have to tolerate my least favorite “holiday season” for two more days. Okay, okay, fine. I know that many of you out there love Halloween. Truth be told, some of my closest friends absolutely love all the creepy chills, thrills and poison pills conjuring up the ick, ...

Like, who does that? Apparently, lots of us

I’m not going to sugar coat it; it’s been a rough week. The outrage, the shock, the debate, the discussion, the point / counterpoint, the volatile commentary, the veritable volcanic eruption of emotion. I know we all have our opinion on this but at the end of the day, Hugh Hefner WAS 91 ...

A tale of good fortune and some rotten people

Many, many years ago, when I was a fresh-faced college graduate working my first real job in the world, a lovely thing happened … well, after a bit of a sad one, actually. It was in 1997 when the broadcast radio and television station where I’d happily worked since 1990 sold its company. ...

Facebook — and mom — say brush, floss, repeat

Facebook. Hmm. Rarely, in my opinion, has there been such a wonderful train wreck as the phenomenon known as the Facebook page. Arguably the most famous social media site on the globe, Facebook is all at once an amazing connectivity tool and a virtually endless time-sucker. It is ...

Let there be peace on earth — especially in USA

It’s time. It typically starts on Sept. 1 or thereabout — the anniversary commemorations. The annual reruns of certain documentaries … and the introduction of several new ones, too. The new facts, the revelations the finger-pointing of the mistakes that led to the appalling end ...

The end of summer and other irksome stuff

Well, here we are once again, the calendar equivalent of the death knell to summer. Cue the Darth Vader theme music because it is Labor Day Weekend, y’all. Sure, I know it’s a great celebration of the American worker. I understand the importance of honoring those who paved the way, both ...

Walking 22 years of miles in my shoes

I have this little pair of shoes that I love. I had them on last week at work. And last month at Mass. And a year ago at a graduation party. I wear them everywhere. They are all-at-once chic and super cute. You know the sort. You have a few pairs yourself. They are your “go-to” shoes ...

Why, yes, English IS my first language

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, English is one tricky language. From homophones (words that sound the same but have different meanings and / or spellings) and idioms (terms that are not necessarily literal and often have origins in local slang) to complex word order (subjects, ...

It’s unconditionally a doggie dog world out there

Last Father’s Day, I told you about some funny, poignant and prolific words of wisdom often uttered by my father — not to mention the saucy and sidesplitting ones. #myfatherishilarious Again, shameless plug for the future here but stay tuned for more to come on a book about the stuff my ...

Hang up camera … err, texter, and just talk

The evolution of the telephone is very well documented. Everyone knows that in 1876, Alexander Graham Bell made history when he used his new invention to summons his assistant, Thomas Watson, to his side from another location in the house where they’d been working on the world’s first ...

Birds seem beautiful until flights of frenzy

There is this little sparrow who visits me every workday. He (or she, I really don’t know, to be fair) swings by around 8 a.m. or so and then again about 9ish, typically. He sits on the ledge of my windowsill and sings. Sometimes he even turns his head and chirps straight into the office, ...