Patty Kimerer column

Superpowers transform the world of boys

I wasn’t going to reveal this until I was much more advanced in age and closer to publishing a saucy, tell-all autobiography. OK, fine, it’s more likely to be a bedtime snoozer of my drab, humdrum existence. Either way, it seems like now may be as good a time as any to unmask myself. I ...

Basketball playoffs demonstrate life lessons

As I sat biting my nails watching my Cavs play the Pacers the other night, it occurred to me that the NBA Playoffs are really a metaphor for life. Yeah, yeah, I know I’m a LeBron Loyalist, an Irving Addict and an absolute Lover of Kevin Love (well, duh) … but I really do believe I’m ...

Celebrating a love that saved us all

Today is one of celebration for a whole heck of a lot of folks. For those of the Hebrew faith, it is the seventh full day of the Jewish feast called Passover, which is a commemoration celebrating God’s freeing of the Israelites from the Egyptian Pharaoh who enslaved them. As part of the ...

They grow up so fast — and so smarty-pants smart

No one likes a smarty pants — especially those of us with plain old, average trousers, you know what I mean? Well, except, of course, when the smarty pants in question belong to your son, and you’re watching him walk across the stage in them, as he is inducted into the National Honor ...

Technology turns tendencies toward texting

As I sat with my son Kyle at a restaurant the other night, I couldn’t help but notice that very few of the humans were interacting with those seated beside or across from them. Or at adjacent tables. Or in the building. Except for their server, of course, but only when they needed ...

Sharing trips around the sun

So, my pup Monnie and I are both March birthday girls. She’s the 22nd and as for Mommy, it’s tomorrow. She just celebrated the big number 6 and I’m about to enter the last year of my 40s. Hard, hard gulp. It occurs to me that next year we will almost be the same age according to ...

If I weren’t so peaceful, I’d poke her right in scanner

You know her. She’s the nameless, faceless, no-bodied voice at the self-checkout aisle in the grocery store. She is pushy and intolerant and terse. Not only does she yell at me to place items on the belt that are clearly rolling down the lane like a steamroller (and flattening the hot ...

Am I too old for long hair, Forever 21 clothes?

I remember some years back a very smart gentleman in our circle of friends named Tom penned a song for his beautiful wife, Paulette. If memory serves, the official title was “Is 40 Too Old for Pigtails?” The song and couple were and remain, adorable. As my husband, Kerry, celebrates his ...

Proud mama stays afloat with praises for team

I can’t swim. I am not being modest or exaggerating for emphasis. I can’t swim. I am 48 years old, the daughter of a man who was a longtime YMCA swim instructor and rescue diver for the sheriff’s department, and a woman who spent many of her formative years on the shores and in the ...

Brother’s birthday luncheon is no party

I have the world’s sweetest big brother. The kind of guy who will buy a magazine for me because it contains a story about my childhood obsession, James Dean. The sort of person who will insist on walking me to my car if we leave an event simultaneously. The teddy bear of a dude who will ...

Unreal lives of ‘Real Housewives’ not worth trading for

I’m not proud of it. But I don’t deny it, either. Fine. I watch The “Real Housewives of New York” … and the one set in Orange County (the original) … and the one based in Atlanta … and the one shot in New Jersey … and of course, the granddaddy of ’em all, in my opinion, ...

Why is it still looking a lot like Christmas?

It’s been nearly 50 days. That’s getting dangerously close to two full months, people. In that time, we’ve already inaugurated a new president, said goodbye to beloved actors Mary Tyler Moore, John Hurt and Miguel Ferrer, and watched Tom Brady win yet another Super Bowl. Sigh. The ...

Ironies, fiery Crock-Pots pepper life with twists

First there was the fact that the (arguably) two NFL teams I care the least about in the entire league are playing in tonight’s Super Bowl. Frankly, I’m just watching for Lady Gaga at halftime and to check out this year’s commercials. Speaking of which, I saw a commercial encouraging me ...

Moves to head of class with failing grades

You know, ever since Kyle entered high school three years ago, I’ve had passing thoughts of what it must be like to be a teenager these days. I mean, as I see him maneuvering the process so effortlessly, it occurs to me every now and again that this talent of his might be a recessive ...

Pity passing of Patty as popular proper name

As Kyle and I stood in line at the Bureau of Motor Vehicles recently, I hardly noticed at first. I guess that’s pretty telling of the root problem, really. Allow me to backtrack. My son and I headed into the BMV to replace his driver’s license, a task we were both dreading since the ...

When life is rough, just watch some basketball

I love basketball; I just do. And anyone who even sparingly skims this space on occasion knows that I’m all about the Cleveland Cavaliers. #allin I know, we’re in a little bit of a slide; not to worry — the boys will turn it around under LeBron’s capable helm. Anyway, I love ...

Save face; keep profile photos professional

Let’s face it: We humans are obsessed with face. First of all, there are about 18 gazillion idioms commonly used (at least in the English language) with direct or veiled references to the face. Here’s a smattering: Put on a happy face; Get out of my face; She is completely ...

Daunting dental visit capped by recycled jaw bone

You know how, sometimes, when you’re having a little dental procedure and suddenly they sorta just slip part of another human being into your face? Oh, you don’t? I didn’t either, until last week. #toothextractiongonehorriblywrong Fine, I’ll retrace the painful steps for you. It ...

Channeling Clement for Valley-revised take on classic

As has become a tradition in this space, it is time once again for a decidedly PK take on the Clement Moore classic “A Visit from St. Nicholas” — or as it’s more commonly known, “’Twas the Night before Christmas”: ’Twas the morning of Christmas When all through the ...

Channeling Clement for Valley-revised take on classic

As has become a tradition in this space, it is time once again for a decidedly PK take on the Clement Moore classic “A Visit from St. Nicholas” — or as it’s more commonly known, “’Twas the Night before Christmas”: ’Twas the morning of Christmas When all through the ...