Plus fries? That’ll be $917 at Window 2
I know that convenience doesn’t come without a price.
Need something from Waterford Crystal overnight for a Saturday wedding ’cause you got sidetracked and never grabbed the vase at the mall and now it is out of stock? #ItHappens
You can drive 10 1/2 hours, round trip (assuming you can get there before close) to Thurmond, W.Va. (population 6, BTW). Or you can just priority overnight that sucker, which is cool, except it’s quintuple what you would have paid a paltry 48 hours later. Rats.
Or maybe you must have a copy of a certain textbook for tomorrow’s midterm? Hmm.
Well, your cram-it-all-in-the-night-before method may work for you. However, that last brand new copy of “The History of the Romance Languages from the Dawn of Time Until Yesterday” — in hardback and with special leather binding — is the only one left in the store. Your procrastination will set you back $387 plus tax versus the $114 you would have shelled out in August, you dig?
Fast food? This ain’t your mama’s food truck sitch, people
No, back when I was young and Cro-Magnons were just starting to dabble in cave paintings and such, there were (or so it seemed) only a handful of options from which to choose when drive-thru dining.
You could have it your way at Burger King, love it from Micky D’s (as my generation still calls McDonald’s), grab five beef and cheddars from, um, I’m thinkin’ Arby’s, or just trust Dave with a flame-broiled single over at Wendy’s.
You didn’t need to bring a credit card; the change in your back pocket would cover it, drink and all. Special sauces were freely distributed. It was madness, I tell you.
Sure, today Grub Hub can have an authentic Chilean Chancho en Piedra (“pig on stone”) masterpiece from Calabasas, Calif., at your front stoop in 45 minutes, complete with the pig’s ancestry.com report. It costs $497 before delivery and tip, though.
Or you can just opt for the better ingredients at Papa John’s and they’ll zip it on over from across town for about $10, all in.
Another around-the-corner place offers food so expensive you need to take out a home equity line of credit to include a drink. That comes with deceptively unhealthy fare unless you special order it. Kind of a dirty trick for such a clean food place, no?
I have more respect for a couple of the mega-proteins-and-grease places’ attitudes: Here’s our quintuple burger with a half-slab of ribs and three pounds of bacon on top. We’re not gonna lie, you may finish it here, or you might need to take a to-go container so you can scarf the rest of it down after that minor cardiac procedure you could need midway through.
Speaking of sneakily fattening, welcome to Starbucks, y’all. Their bazillion-calorie iced coffees are the scourge of our time.
And how come they have to refer to their sizes as Tall, Venti and Grande? To me, they’re all pretty small and ridiculously overpriced. They sell these teeny tiny scones for $3 each. I have heads of garlic from my pop’s garden that are bigger, capisce? Plus, do you know how many blueberry scones it takes to fill up one 18-year-old college swimmer’s tummy? 47.
I’ll stick with Chick-fil-A: Courteous greeters, generous portions, faith-and-family first vibes. Done.
P.S. If you ask politely, you get as many sauces as you want. Shh.
Kimerer is a Tribune Chronicle columnist who should probably just cook at home and stifle it already. Check out her spicy blog www.patriciakimerer.com