My image of Denver has gone up in smoke

Well, Toto, it certainly wasn’t a trip to Kansas. Or Oz, either, although I’m pretty sure they have their own version of the Lollipop Guild there. Hmm.

Nope, it was a quick weekend getaway to the Mile High City.

(Note: That second word is a hint to the type of suckers commonly found in Denver, FYI. Man, the vote to legalize marijuana there must have been a landslide, you dig?)

It all started with a morning flight from Cleveland. I’d already taken off my shoes and Garmin band when it happened.

I walked under the security X-ray arch and … “Warning, Will Robinson! DANGER!” alarms went off all over northeast Ohio. It ALMOST woke up the Indians’ bats but not quite. #MaybeNext YearTribe

A sweet young TSA agent sheepishly approached and said, “I’m sorry but I’m going to need to pat you down,” offering a private screening option. Poor little thing was so embarrassed she was blushing.

“No, it’s fine!” I smiled, assuring her there was literally nothing under my top. Nothing at all, sadly.

As she went about the mammogram, er, I mean search, I couldn’t help but burst into hysterical laughter. After I got the “clear” (my necklace was the culprit), she thanked me for being gracious.

“Are you kidding? You’re keeping us all safe. Thank YOU,” I said, though I was thinking, “Geez, you could have at least bought me a Cinnabon roll first.” #AirportHumor

Upon arrival, we had a glorious 35-minute span of sunshine. Unfortunately, that was the grand total for the three days we were there.

As everyone from Peyton Manning to Tim Allen insisted, “It’s never like this. Even when it’s cloudy in the morning, it’s sunny by noon.” We saw the mountains disappear in cloud cover (I think it was clouds. Could have been vape?). Soon a nice, wet snow settled over us for the duration. It was 33 degrees.

Of course, we kept getting texts from home complaining that it was blisteringly hot amid a freak Ohio October weekend. #OnlyMe

Did I mention neither of us packed a coat? #TargetRun

My toes still haven’t thawed completely.

Other highlights included:

• A small, microwave popcorn-induced fire at our hotel cluster that drew three fire trucks to our place at about midnight (Oh, it was one of the folks from our group, by the by.)

• A black eye from an eager beaver Denver airport skin care products salesman who gasped at me and said, “I know you’re in a hurry, but at least let me do something about those bags and circles under your eyes!”

Missed out on THAT sale, junior.

• An hourslong delay on the trip home (compounded with the time change) that brought us to our doorstep around 3 a.m. … where we walked in to find that our boxer Monnie had eaten the house. Well, a container of Kyle’s protein shake powder (red, of course), a fall wreath and some old Tupperware lids, anyway. Sigh.

Guess what? I met some of the most wonderful people on planet earth while we were there and I’d do it all 1,000 times over for them … and to see Kerry’s best friend, Joe, marry the gorgeous love of his life, Jackie. Congratulations and God bless, Mr. and Mrs. Bevilacqua!

We’ll be back in Denver to visit — as long as it’s in August. I’m bringing gloves just in case, yo.

Kimerer is a Tribune Chronicle columnist who wishes her pals all the best on their exciting new journey … and won’t be sad not to make any of her own for a bit. Fly on over to her blog www.patriciakimerer.com

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