Same old same old? That’s just fine at 50

As I nicked an age spot on my leg while shaving it the other morning (it stopped bleeding four minutes ago, BTW), I let out a heavy sigh.

“Man! Same one as Monday, ding dang it!” I thought aloud to my bathroom mirror reflection, which looked back at me and replied:

“The good news is you’re not completely inept. That is NOT the same spot you nearly ripped off with your Lady Bic. The bad news is, a brand new age spot popped up right next to it.”

After getting over the irony of sprouting a “new” age spot overnight (isn’t that an oxymoron?), I started to ponder all that stuff about which you must worry when you’re 50 that you don’t even consider when you’re 20. Things such as:

l Hair redistribution. As in, losing it where you want it and gaining it where you don’t. The balancing act on this one is tricky. (READ: more bleaching and waxing, some comb-over creativity, etc.) Speaking of hair…

l Covering your grays sufficiently. By 50, you may or may not still be spending $150 on each dye job or, perhaps, even more on hair weaves, grafts and the like. So you may just opt for at-home, do-it-yourself routes which could leave you wondering whether or not you got the big gray patch underneath the nape of your neck — or at the tippy top of your scalp, you see. Well, you don’t, which is the issue.

l Crepe-y skin. The body’s largest organ doesn’t always appreciate the passage of time. At 50, it’s saggy and discolored and misshapen and dry and brittle and nearly unrecognizable from its three-decades-prior form, when you could leave it out in the sun all day or skip moisturizing lotion for a week and it would still be taut as a drum skin even during a ten-mile run.

Now you’re lucky if your knees don’t get mistaken for Dumbo’s.

l Eating after 8 p.m. Clearly, metabolism and skin are foes in the war against 50-somethings, though they are loyal subjects to youth. Frankly, they both irritate me. Hmpf.

l Where you put your cell phone. And glasses. And the TV remote. And the dog’s leash. And your car keys. Enough said.

Then again, there are those sage age nuggets you’ve learned over time and need not fret now that you’re 50-plus. Twenty-year-olds still worry about:

l Should I lease or buy? Homesteads, cars, furniture… By this point, we know what’s best for us in each scenario.

l Is he / she really my friend? Unless your job is as a cast member of one of the “Real Housewives” franchise shows, you know. Or you learn a lot quicker than you did when you were 20.

l How I’m going to pay off my student loans? They’re long gone at our age!

But then, our kids’ just began. #Rats

l Should I be a Democrat or a Republican? Hint: both options stink. Just make choices based on your beliefs — and with compassion and fairness as equal factors in the equation. Skip the label on politics — and on most everything else.

l What job is best for me? Don’t get me wrong, I’m still trying to figure out what I’m going to be when I grow up. However, I deeply appreciate my good fortune in having such a great day job, and a moonlight gig that feeds my passion. Not sure I would have at age 20. #Blessed

See, who needs Botox?

Please don’t answer that.

Kimerer is a Tribune Chronicle columnist who is also a very old soul — and perfectly happy about it. Check out her old blog www.patriciakimerer.com

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