It was then that I forgot how to breathe
I’m not sure if this has ever happened to any of you, but I recently forgot how to breathe.
No, I didn’t lose consciousness because I got punched in the chest by some rowdy Golden State Warriors fan after I popped off about what a dork Draymond Green is, though they does sound a lot like me. Hmm.
And no, I was not choking on an oversized bite of 14-layer chocolate cake. However, if you’ve got to be struggling with foodstuff, I don’t see why you wouldn’t choose that kind of delectable delight as your edible Everest, right?
But for one brief moment the other day as I finished packing Kyle’s last school lunch ever, I forgot how to breathe.
It happened a second time when he popped in the door after his last day in the school system he’s been attending for the past 13 years (including kindergarten) and announced: “Later, high school. It’s been real.”
I suspect the episode may recur sometime this afternoon when he strides across the gymnasium floor in his burgundy cap and gown as one of the valedictorians of the Class of 2018.
I’m sorry, was I saying something? Oh, right.
My. Kid. Is. Graduating. Today.
To be clear, no parents could be prouder of their son than my hubby and I are of Kyle Kimerer … though some of you out there will claim to be and that’s really just rude.
OK, fine, we are all busting when our children reach the pivotal milestone that is high school graduation.
And I think I can confidently speak for most moms when I say that as over-the-moon elated as we are about your accomplishments, we’d really just like you to knock it off already, OK?
Look, we gulped back hard when we had to put your little selves on the school bus for the first time. We despised that we had barely finished teaching you how to tie your shoes before we had to watch you climb those steep, shaky bus stairs, knowing full well those were your first steps to independence. But we did it.
We weren’t thrilled that you decided to keep on maturing, but we grinned and bore it as you suited up and headed out on your first date. Heck, we even chauffeured you to the movies and back. Sigh.
Speaking of which, it was all we could do not to leap off the tallest oak tree in the backyard when you decided you just HAD to get your driver’s license at age 16. (Stupid Ohio laws.) Some of us may have even had to breathe into a paper bag when we watched you pull out of the driveway alone for the very first time. #AlmostPassedOut
But this? I’m sorry. I’ve got to draw a line at this. You have gone too far this time, mister. I mean, do you think I don’t know that in three short months you plan to live in, like, a whole other state from me? Um, completely impolite, by the way. #OnlyHalfJoking
Look, as you’re moving that tassel from right to left this afternoon, just remember one thing: Nobody will be cheering louder than me. Congratulations, sweets. No one deserves health, happiness and success more than you.
And hey, don’t worry, I’m sure your car keys will turn up somewhere.
Love you, kiddo.
Kimerer is a Tribune Chronicle columnist who is busy hiding all of her kid’s clothes so please don’t bother her right now, just go to www.patriciakimerer.com.