Cannot believe it has been 18 years already

I don’t want to brag or anything but 18 years ago right now, I was a pretty big deal. As in circumference, yo.

What I mean to say is that I was YOOOGE, as President Trump would put it.

Because 18 years ago right now, I was growing a little person. And he was getting cramped, yo.

I remember that magical moment in the old gestation journey when the doctor said, “You’re at 37 weeks. The baby is fully grown and in position.”

But this revelation by my then-OB / GYN physician was especially welcome news for a gal who’d had such a long, long road to a healthy pregnancy.

My Kyle, he was different from the word go. As soon as the second line appeared in that famous tiny pregnancy test window, it was on like Donkey Kong. I felt in my heart that this was going to be the sentinel event of my life — and I was right. Because almost immediately, I was greener than those little Mr. Yuck poison-control stickers, you dig?

Indeed, for the first few weeks of his being, that kid of mine lived on prenatal vitamins, orange juice and saltine crackers because that’s all I could ingest. #whenyouwish-youcouldthrowupbutcant

Alas, once the nausea from hex passed, the heartburn from hades surfaced. It’s weird to be starving and regurgitating simultaneously. Ah, the joys of pregnancy.

But finally, all that ickiness subsided and I started to eat. Like, a lot. All the time. For the baby, natch. At least, that’s how I justified my cravings. #othermomswillunderstand

“Ooh, the baby wants fat-free cookies-and-cream ice cream! Er, ’cause he / she needs the dairy for bone development.”

“Mmm, the baby wants five dessert spoons full of peanut butter! Uh, the protein is key for proper brain formation, you see.”

“Funny, but the baby seems to be hankering for some soft pretzels with honey mustard dipping sauce. Like, 27 of them. Yeah, I got nothin’ — I just want it. NOW.”

Editor’s Note: Kyle totally loves all of these foods to this very day.

Somehow, that baby never wanted steamed broccoli? But even though HE wanted all that yummy stuff, it was Mommy who was chastised for gaining six pounds in a single month.

“The baby is only this big,” said Dr. Huang, barely moving his index finger from his thumb. “The rest of that weight is YOU!”

Gulp.

Either way, that boy of mine was strong enough to kick Mommy so hard that she got a bruise on the outside of her tummy. Should have known he was going to be a strong swimmer right then.

And when he arrived a full two and a half weeks earlier than predicted, he already weighed 8 pounds and 2 ounces. Can you imagine how miffed he would have been if he’d stayed in that cramped little space any longer?

Ouch.

But when he made his entrance, it didn’t matter that I had to take special medicine, be on partial bedrest, give up all caffeine,or lose 40 pounds. I didn’t care that I almost bought the farm post delivery. Seriously.

Heck, I’d have stood on my head in the freezing cold in a tank top and shorts for nine months if it meant Kyle would be fine. And I would again, every day of the week and twice on Sunday, capisce?

Happy birthday, Kyle. Love you more than words.

Kimerer is a Tribune Chronicle columnist who’s still working on those last two pregnancy pounds. Don’t judge, just check out her blog at www.patriciakimerer.com

COMMENTS