The end of summer and other irksome stuff
Well, here we are once again, the calendar equivalent of the death knell to summer. Cue the Darth Vader theme music because it is Labor Day Weekend, y’all.
Sure, I know it’s a great celebration of the American worker. I understand the importance of honoring those who paved the way, both literally and figuratively, for the rest of us to enjoy many of the fair labor practices in place today. I salute and thank them.
That being said, I think we all also recognize what else the Labor Day holiday effectively represents — the unofficial beginning of autumn. Sure, the calendar states otherwise, citing Sept. 22 as the first day of fall. #liar
But there’s no denying it after this weekend, folks. Summer 2017 is no more. Again with the HMPF. And, in the true spirit of indulging in my occasional penchant for being an absolute whiny brat, I give you a random list of other things that are bugging the bejeepers out of me today.
l When Lurch plops down in front of me at the movies or Susie Sits-Too-Close invades my personal space at the conference.
Listen, I am a people person who loves the other dwellers of earth. But when there are two dozen open spots and you still choose to obstruct my view during that $20, 2 1/2-hour film or I can feel your breath on my arm hairs as I’m trying to listen to a keynote presentation — well, yeah, I kinda want to throat punch you.
l Single ply toilet paper. I’m talking to you, Youngstown State University, and every other company, institution, association, establishment or entity that annoys its clients / visitors by opting for the cheap stuff.
First of all, I don’t know why they even make it because you need to use half a roll for a single application. Secondly, shame on you stingy sons-of-guns who opt for short-changing folks in so personal and delicate a manner. We’re at your mercy on this one, after all. Tsk!
l Oh and speaking of inappropriate restroom etiquette…
Women who refuse to replace the toilet paper. What? I thought we had a sisterhood? Sheesh!
l When the Weather Channel uses a different background music for “Local Weather on the 8’s.” Don’t ask me why this is on the list but when they deviate from the four-note intro that morphs into the light jazz little ditty that I’ve come to associate with getting my forecast for the day, it irritates the crud outta me.
l Using my kitchen scissors to cut anything other than kitchen-related items. There are 954 other pairs of scissors in the house, ding dang it! GRRRR.
For some reason, I apparently have tons of ire in this particular room of the house because other irritants include:
Using my kitchen towels as napkins or oven mitts, or to change the oil on the car;
Leaving the cook time blinking on the microwave;
Not wiping off the ketchup lip before closing its lid;
Letting the mayonnaise sit on the counter from the time you used it at lunch until I find it when I get home from work.
OK, I’m done. Wait one more, but this is Kyle’s: Putting milk in the bowl before adding the cereal. The kid’s got a point.
l Charles Barkley talking. Any time but especially when he’s spewing smack about LeBron. #zipitpinhead
l When someone leaves the water on hot. Other than the potential for scalded hands, this is of explicitly irksome in the case of teeth brushing. Putting warm toothpaste in your mouth? BLECH!
l Hiding behind the Constitution to do things that are illegal, immoral, unethical and just plain wrong.
I don’t care how you feel about Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton or whether Pluto deserves to be a regular or dwarf planet, OK? Millions of Americans died for our freedom. Symbols of this freedom include the U.S. flag and our national anthem. If you are physically able to do so, shut your mouth and get off your high horse to stand at respectful attention when they are being flown / played. End of story.
l When people request my connectivity on Linked In and their first message to me after I accept is a sales pitch. Yeah, consider us unlinked, yo.
l When other people drive my car and jack up the mirrors and whatnot. Like the valet. Or the chauffer. Or the butler. Or the intern. Okay, fine, it’s Kerry, okay? And it’s not his fault, it’s entirely my issue and it’s completely irrational and asinine on my part. But AARGH!!!
l Wait staff who make me feel bad about my order. I know I eat like a vegan bird with hyperactive tendencies. I get that substitutions are not your preference but you need not make me feel as though I just stepped on your puppy when I ask for my salad without cheese and croutons, okay? Man alive!
l Morons who complain about nothing when there are real problems in the world. Guilty as charged and ready to do my sentence now that the air is turning cool. Serves me right.
Happy Labor Day, all!
Kimerer is a Tribune Chronicle columnist who wears gloves when the temp dips below 40 degrees Fahrenheit. Check out her other ridiculous quirks at her daily blog site www.patriciakimerer.com.