Superpowers transform the world of boys
I wasn’t going to reveal this until I was much more advanced in age and closer to publishing a saucy, tell-all autobiography. OK, fine, it’s more likely to be a bedtime snoozer of my drab, humdrum existence. Either way, it seems like now may be as good a time as any to unmask myself.
I know you think of me as a weekly columnist or maybe a communications gal. Some refer to me as PK or the crazy-haired lady. But the truth of the matter is, I am actually Wonder Woman’s lesser known half-cousin 24 times removed.
I am that unspecified and nearly-never discussed heroine thought to be a myth by many … but those in the know will recognize me as the “Clean Toilet Fairy.”
Perhaps you’ve seen some of my handiwork? Because I don’t restrict the hygienic hijinks merely to the confines of the three bathrooms in my own casa. No sirree, Bob. I will sanitize a hotel room shower / toilet combo set or a random restaurant stall like nobody’s business — and in no time flat, mind you.
It’s an unorthodox superpower, granted, but I’ll have you know it’s not my only one. We’ll get to the others in a moment.
Ahem; unlike Spider-Man, who got his awesome aptitude from a spider bite or the Incredible Hulk whose mega-muscles resulted from a lab experiment gone awry (well, I suppose that method applies to Captain America, The Flash, Ant Man and the Fantastic Four, too, kinda), I gained my powers the old-fashioned way: by living with boys.
It’s not for the faint of heart, my friends, being the only girl in an all-boy house. In fact, some may have waved the white flag of surrender long ago but not I! I embrace the challenge like Superman trying to un-rotate the earth in order to back time up a day so he can save Lois Lane.
Only, my damsel in distress is my sidekick Monnie — the world’s cutest but wettest-mouthed Boxer.
Oh, my dear sweet Monnie finds herself the object of male mockery on many a day, what with having to endure being the “Monkey in the Middle” as one of her toys is kept just-this-far out of her reach, or suffering the taunt of false visitor promises (i.e. them constantly asking her “Who’s here?” so she’ll tilt her head at the door when there’s absolutely zero chance of anyone being on the other side of it). Poor little thing. I have to swoop in and save her often, much like most superheroes do intermittently for their beloved, loyal sidekicks. I digress.
Allow me to acquaint you with some of my other ace abilities. I am the stealth refresher of things stinky (think man cave pillows and fabrics), the invisible strewn-blanket folder, the hidden gunked-up Smoothie bottle washer, the covert Goldfish cracker replacer and the unseen replenisher of not only disposable contact lenses but also the solution that keeps them clean.
Speaking of optical aids, how do you suppose those prescription and sunglasses are mysteriously and suddenly free from smudges, fingerprints and smears? Yep, me again.
I am, without question, the dish magician. How else would those men with whom I cohabitate be able to go to sleep to a messy kitchen and wake up to a sparkling clean one? I weave my spell before I leave the house each morn (a full hour before them and whilst they remain in dreamland) and somehow, by the time I arrive home (the last of we three, BTW) the place is a wreck once again.
Sigh. Good thing my mystery potion keeps me going and going long after most mortals would have checked out and called Molly Maid. #coffeeislife
Yep, that java juice sustains me from first toilet paper roll refill to second lunch-making through final dishwasher unloading and on into Crockpot dinner prep and even late night lint-trap extraction.
And just when you thought I couldn’t cram one more fantastical feat into a day, I transform into my night-time persona “Chipotle Champion.” Not only do I order and deliver the goods, but I actually pay the tab, too – shazam!
And as I lament having to yet again replace the cap on the toothpaste tube it suddenly dawns on me that in just over a year, that particular toothbrush will be hanging in some icky cup on some dirty dorm bathroom wall somewhere.
Hard, hard gulp and sniff … like a lot … sniff, sniff, sniff, yo…
Ah well, when that dreaded day comes, the “Clean Toilet Fairy” has Clorox wipes and will travel so she may just have to materialize on campus from time to time.
And if she meets with any pushback for her visit; she’ll just conjure up some Chipotle for the entire dorm and Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo; she’s in!
Kimerer is a Tribune Chronicle columnist whose magic wand is really a toilet bowl brush. Contact her with empty-nest survival tips and distraught Mom college dormitory access codes at www.patriciakimerer.com