Ironies, fiery Crock-Pots pepper life with twists
First there was the fact that the (arguably) two NFL teams I care the least about in the entire league are playing in tonight’s Super Bowl. Frankly, I’m just watching for Lady Gaga at halftime and to check out this year’s commercials.
Speaking of which, I saw a commercial encouraging me to bypass the meat counter / produce section at the market only to pay someone to deliver “fresh” boxed food to my house so I can cook it for dinner. The people at Blue Apron (et al) must be evil geniuses, no? I digress.
When a stink bug landed on my spray perfume bottle, that just sealed the deal: the topic of the day should most definitely be irony. I mean, how else can you describe all of these satirical happenings occurring within the span of a week if not as a sign from God about what today’s column should address?
It occurred to me when a girlfriend was quizzing me about why swimming is a winter sport (at the high school and collegiate levels) that certain things simply defy logic.
“It’s true, these kids are coming out of the pool, hair soaked, pores wide open and stepping out into the freezing cold,” I had to admit about my son’s chosen sport.
And it’s not like Michael Phelps and Katie Ledecky and company are competing in the Winter Olympic Games, yo. Hmm.
The parodies continued to pile up as the week went on, what with my beloved Cleveland Cavaliers losing to some of the worst teams in the NBA and all. They haven’t been setting the world on fire lately.
But I have. Well, at least a small portion of it — my favorite Crock-Pot.
Yes, that’s right, the very apparatus designed for safe, low heat cooking is the one I literally set ablaze when I foolishly used a stovetop burner in front of the one on which I’d set the empty crock to dry after washing it. There it sat, unplugged and not in use … and suddenly smoking.
Poor little pot never saw it coming. #cantmakethisstuffup
I couldn’t help but notice so many news stories about folks protesting anything and everything regarding the new president this week. Agreed, the dude isn’t perfect, but if you’re decrying someone because you believe he isn’t peaceful and welcoming, is setting stuff on fire and threatening to blow up the White House really the best way to show the world your compassionate, loving heart?
Not to mention that even though this has been one of the warmest winters on record for a majority of us in the lower 48, nearly everyone I know has had more colds than in recent memory. What the?
Oh, and about the weather, am I the only one who finds humor in the fact that the most knowledgeable weather minds on the globe trekked to Punxsutawney, Pa., to have a rodent give the national forecast Thursday?
There stood the Weather Channel’s Jim Cantore and Jen Carfagno, each of whom have, like, a Ph.D. in meteorology, I suppose, waiting to see whether winter will end in six weeks or sooner, depending on if the world’s most famous groundhog saw his shadow.
I’d sooner trust Greek winter god Anemoi or the good old Farmer’s Almanac than leave our weather fate to a big, fluffy rat cousin, you dig?
Finally, it did dawn on me that, as opposed as I am to eating almost all food containing any form of fructose, glucose, dextrose, galactose or sucrose, I slather myself in Warm Vanilla Sugar lotion topped off with Wrapped in Sugar body spray nearly every day of my life. I am sugar-free in foodstuffs only, apparently.
Ah well, the biggest irony of all is that someone so obviously fortunate and privileged with so much could pen an entire column just a-whinin’ and complain’. Thank goodness the Lord’s got a great sense of humor. #blessedandgrateful.
Kimerer is a Tribune Chronicle columnist who puts ointment usually used on one’s backside under her eyes when they’re puffy. No, seriously, it works. Contact her about this and other ironies at www.patriciakimerer.com.