Patty Kimerer column

PK: Virtual vampire or insightful insomniac?

Remember when you were a little kid and one (or more) of your grandparents would talk about never sleeping? For me, it was my paternal grandmother, my Nonna. “No, I never sleep. One or two hours a night is all I need,” she’d say. Wait. What? What homo sapien could survive on such ...

Ponderings on meaning of life and a family man

The meaning of life. Hmm. No shortage of theories out there. Everybody from Einstein to Col. Sanders has offered opinions on the great mystery of human existence. Who’s to say which concept is right? Well, that one Big Guy, but He’s sorta letting us try to figure things out down here ...

Grandpa or grand theft paws — you decide

I’m no perfect person, yo. Clearly. I make more gaffes, blunders and mistakes than “Sex and the City’s” Carrie Bradshaw has Jimmy Choos in her oversized walk-in closet, you dig? It’s just that even a dunderhead like me knows that you don’t steal. Like anything. Ever. It’s a ...

Plus fries? That’ll be $917 at Window 2

I know that convenience doesn’t come without a price. Need something from Waterford Crystal overnight for a Saturday wedding ’cause you got sidetracked and never grabbed the vase at the mall and now it is out of stock? #ItHappens You can drive 10 1/2 hours, round trip (assuming you can ...

My image of Denver has gone up in smoke

Well, Toto, it certainly wasn’t a trip to Kansas. Or Oz, either, although I’m pretty sure they have their own version of the Lollipop Guild there. Hmm. Nope, it was a quick weekend getaway to the Mile High City. (Note: That second word is a hint to the type of suckers commonly found in ...

Was R.E.M. right, as we know it, in ’87?

Maybe it’s because one of my favorite television programs, AMC’s spooky sci-fi drama “The Walking Dead,” returns from it’s LONG midseason break tonight. #TWD Or maybe it’s because, within the first few episodes of its resumption, TWD will promptly kill off its main character, Rick ...

It’s just not nice to be kind, apparently

I’m sure you have seen it. It’s that commercial for KIND brand nutrition bars that opens with the voiceover: “Some people confuse nice with kind.” It goes on to promote the “virtues” of their nature snack as opposed to synthetic shortcomings in the ingredients of other brands. ...

From noble beginnings comes royal klutz

Sure, I am aware that the name Patricia is derived from Old English and means “noble.” I might argue that the root source could and should, in fact, be traced to Emerald Isle origins. I’m Irish, sue me. Lest we forget that the original ruling class in ancient Rome (my other half!) was ...

We’re taking creative license on our driver’s licenses

There is an old joke about having a life goal to someday weigh as much as it says I do on my driver’s license. I am an old girl, so I know a lot of old jokes. #50 Either way, the average homo sapien stretches the boundaries of truth when it comes to certain DL declarations. In fact, we ...

Why is everybody always picking on me?

It’s not a competition, really. More of a compare-and-contrast type of situation. I mean, I’m not better than him. He’s not above me. Truth be told, I’ve lived my whole life feeling sorry for the poor little guy, what with all of his very public humiliations and all. Turns out we ...

Sticking together through all — even ‘Live: PD’

After the first two decades or so of living with another human, you tend learn a few things; even if only through osmosis. And, 23 years ago today, I started living with this really cute, really sweet, really fun guy. It was after we got hitched on a perfectly sunny-and-75 late summer ...

Tips to college secrets that nobody tells

There are so many things that people don’t tell you about moving your kid to college. Make no mistake that there are a plethora of things people DO tell you. Many are true and spot-on. Others, not so much. But what about that whole host of things that people fail to mention? Little ...

Wizards cast disgusting spells in world of retail

Can you believe that I recently had a close encounter with some of the antagonists from Harry Potter’s world? There they were, four legit wicked wizards. And I didn’t even have to travel to Hogwarts to find them. Apparently, they hang their cloaks at the local mall. The sightings ...

I’m a Walkman girl in an ear bud world

It all started innocently enough a few days ago. I was having an INXS concert in my ears... well, in office while I whittled away on a press release. The concert came via my Amazon music library on my iPhone and made possible via my ear buds. Sorta. You see, they kept falling out of what ...

Life lessons learned from one angry bird

Remember Foghorn Leghorn? Man, I always loved him. He’s my pop’s favorite, too. He’s that arrogant cartoon rooster from the Looney Toons series. You know, the good old Southern boy squawker who quips stuttering one-liners chock full of sarcasm and hilarious similes and metaphors. They ...

Same old same old? That’s just fine at 50

As I nicked an age spot on my leg while shaving it the other morning (it stopped bleeding four minutes ago, BTW), I let out a heavy sigh. “Man! Same one as Monday, ding dang it!” I thought aloud to my bathroom mirror reflection, which looked back at me and replied: “The good news is ...

What NOT to say to a soon-to-be empty-nester

In 2016, it wasn’t as prevalent in my life. It only occurred quarterly, I’d say. Last year, it was becoming more regular — monthly, at the very least. By January 2018 it was definitely weekly. And now? Multiple times a day. Every single day. Without fail. No, I’m not talking ...

Let’s try love lessons of the canine variety

As I pulled into my driveway after work the other day, I paused. I waited. I watched. This is what I always do. Because every day when she is outside at my arrival, without fail, my 7-year-old Boxer Monnie will slowly lift herself from her carefully-selected sunning spot in our yard, toss her ...

Open letter to ‘stupid’ boy, from Mama Kimerer

ter than 90 MPH Last Tuesday Night, Hello. You don’t know me. You likely never will. But I know you — sorta. And watching you zip past me on the highway at what I’m estimating was about 96 miles per hour gave me some good insight, yo. You didn’t see me — or the man you nearly ...

Fighting through the funk to get to the funny

I feel so badly for folks with no sense of humor. I mean, to never see the funny in everyday situations? #BummerExistence Like my Pop always says, “That’s a heckuva way to go through life.” Pop doesn’t say heck. I digress. Granted, sometimes you have to seek out humor. Like, under ...