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Patty Kimerer column

Let Ralphie’s story lead you into holiday hustle

Well, this is it. Crunch time. T minus 23 shopping days and counting. Or would it be T-minus 24 days? I mean, technically there ARE stores open on Christmas Day. Hmpf. As fictional matriarch Marie Barone of the sitcom “Everybody Loves Raymond” often told her son: “I don’t like that, ...

‘Twas the night before Black Friday, and I’m staying home

I’m breaking with tradition a little … and rushing the seasonal theme a tad, I know! But I thought I’d take a humorous angle on Turkey Day ala Clement Moore’s, “A Visit from St. Nicholas.” Don’t worry, you’ll still get saddled with that one next month, too. I digress. ‘Twas ...

An open letter to those not freezing to death in Ohio

An open letter to my family members and friends who live in snow-free locations: Hello! I hope this note finds you well and happy. Gosh, who can believe we’re almost done with 2019. It’s been another whirlwind year at Casa Kimerer! Say, as a special favor in the spirit of the ...

College life is good for the kid, but not so good for mom

It’s such a huge adjustment, really; going from high school to college. I mean, the move alone is a major modification to life as you know it. Everything you knew before of regular old existence at the homestead is turned completely upside down, physically and, you know, in the ...

Everything I need to know, Elle Woods taught me

Everything I need to know, I learned from “Legally Blonde.” Well, not really. To be fair, I’ve gone down this path before with some of my OTHER all-time fave flicks, including, “Moonstruck,” “Shawshank Redemption” and “Shrek.” Yes, “Shrek.” It’s surprisingly ...

Apparently, old chicks get crabby about stuff

After glancing down the other day, it occurred to me the life I’d known to that point, had ceased to exist. There they were. Live, in Technicolor and unmistakable — my grandma’s ankles. Gulp. I’m not sure why, but I remember what they looked like. Strange. I just recall looking ...

Cursing and now curing the cursive curse

My friend’s second-grader isn’t learning it yet — but I guess that’s not odd since my other pal’s kids didn’t hear about it from their teachers until the third grade. But even then, the entire lesson lasted for the equivalent of like, oh, I don’t know, three periods or so. Um, ...

Out of all nicknames to be called, mom is best

I’ve been called many things in my life. Several of which are unfit to print … or even post to social media … or speak in front of your priest. But that was mostly when I was little and sparring with my sister, Gina. Okay fine, when I was getting whooped on by her, whatever. ...

PK: The apparent homo sapien whisperer

I’m good with the people stuff, as it were. No, I’m not bragging. I’ve never thought that was a very good look. Tooting one’s own horn = bad form, egotistic, patently rude and just kinda icky. Now, if I’m gushing about the sheer wonderfulness that is my child, well, that’s ...

The actual, bona fide, fish-killing last straw

Remember the original Flo? No, not the Progressive Insurance gal. I’m talking about the factionary waitress who worked for the pretend boss Mel at the made-up diner of the same name in the 1970s / ’80s sitcom “Alice.” I loved that show. It’s the story of a young widow who scoops ...

Kimerers have been standing in lines for 129 years

Remember that “Seinfeld” episode when Jerry rented a car at the airport but, upon trying to pick it up, was told, “There aren’t any cars. We ran out.” Jerry built an entire schtick about how anyone can TAKE a reservation, but it’s really the HOLDING of the reservation that’s the ...

Celebrating Memorial, Er, I mean Labor Day

Well, clearly, I am in denial. If I’ve done it once, I’ve done it two dozen times. In fact, during the course of the weekly e-bulletin I write at my day job, I did it thrice. THREE TIMES in a single newsletter! Yep. Just as I do every year around this time, I keep accidentally referring ...

Like a watched pot, a watched phone never rings

Remember that saying “A watched pot never boils”? I’m pretty sure it was that pauper dude who coined all the brilliant phrases that he apparently didn’t want people to know Benjamin Franklin was really saying. So the founding father / inventor / brainiac made up the pseudonym “Poor ...

Kimerer takes a bubble bath; the media goes wild

Remember the movie “Arthur” starring Dudley Moore, Liza Minnelli and the always scene-stealing actor extraordinaire, Sir John Gielgud? That was a pretty funny flick. I was 11 when it was released, so I do recall having to wait to watch it until several years afterward when it finally made ...

When telemarketers attack: How NOT to get a sale

I’m certain I’ve mentioned it at least once already. Hey, I’m getting up there, bear with my foggy memory. Back when I was a senior in college, I had a part-time job as a telemarketer. It was — how do you say? — abysmal. I seem to recall most of my paycheck going to Olan ...

How about we just treat everyone well, m’kay?

You can tell a lot about a man by _________________ . That blank has been filled by many a famous human. German Jewish philosopher and essayist Walter Benjamin said: “You can tell a lot about a man by the books he keeps — his taste, his interest, his habits.” Well that’s ...

Sexes are so different they’re a galaxy apart

Mars and Venus. How far apart are they, really? I mean, I remember the third-grade acronym clarifying the proper order of the third rock and our neighboring planets: Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto. The way I recall it is, “My Very Excellent Mother ...

The grocery store — a food mart or alternate universe?

If you know me at all, you know that PK’s got a few, well, um, let’s just call them by their proper monikers, shall we? They are my obsessions. Hey, we’ve all got our stuff. Don’t pretend you’re immune. At least I own it. Whatever. Anyhoo, said fixations include but are not ...

Confusing concepts continue to clear my cerebral clutch

I like to think of myself as reasonably, marginally bright. You know, clever enough to string together a sentence, sharp enough to follow concise directions. Unless they are in any way relating to geography. In that sense, I am far below average intelligence. Like, really far. But as ...

Mama ‘Murica lets freedom ring for 243 years

Looks like our motherland might be having a little 243-year-itch, you know what I’m sayin’? What with it being the weekend of Independence Day and all, I thought I’d give her some love ... or at least a bit of a scratch. I really can’t blame the old girl for being a little put off ...