Patty Kimerer column

Advanced course in teen-speak translation

About two years ago, I wrote a column entitled “Consult this Handy Translator for Teen-Speak.” You may recall it as a tongue-in-cheek guideline to maneuvering through the minefield known as conversations with teenage boys. It was an overview of “Communicating with Teen Boys 101,” an ...

Toddlers, menopausal women share same traits

I recently had the ginormous pleasure of seeing my niece, nephew, great-niece and great-nephew — who now live in North Carolina. Hmpf. They recently moved there from Nebraska. Double hmpf. You get the gist — I don’t see them nearly enough. So when they were quite suddenly and ...

Toddlers, menopausal women share same traits

I recently had the ginormous pleasure of seeing my niece, nephew, great-niece and great-nephew — who now live in North Carolina. Hmpf. They recently moved there from Nebraska. Double hmpf. You get the gist — I don’t see them nearly enough. So when they were quite suddenly and ...

Patty lets Pop have his say on Father’s Day

I’m not sure how the average family celebrates Father’s Day. In mine, we try to visit with both my pop and my father-in-law on the actual date. Also, I try to make sure my son and his dad (and his godfather, too!) get a little quality time in together, as well. #lovemyboys But for me ...

Empty mugs, silent phones prove nothing lasts very long

So, a very, very, very bad horrible, awful, terrible, rotten thing happened to me this week. No, I’m not talking about the 2017 NBA Finals just yet — that’s another column for another day. (Editor’s note: Kimerer’s column deadline preceded game four. It did NOT precede her deep ...

Distasteful attacks go too far

I do not like Draymond Green. I know I’ve said it before. I will say it again. I do not like Draymond Green. One of the power forwards of the Golden State Warriors (pretty much all of whom I loathe, BTW), Green irks the ever-living daylights out of me with his arrogance, his condescending ...

Zeroing on war movies stirs patriotic passions

I’m not going to lie. I was immediately sucked in by the trailer. The soaring fighter pilots, the blazing warships, the stark, soldier-strewn beaches, the booming voice-over describing the stranded men in need of help. The big block words over the black screen, reading, “When 400,000 ...

Honor society pays tribute, bonds family

When I brought the pepperoni roll order form into work at my day job, folks didn’t seem to question it. They just checked the product offering and decided whether or not they were feeling pepperoni rolls that day. Because, just like in most offices across America, there’s usually at least ...

Mom’s better than yours and that crazy TV mom

I foolishly allowed myself to become immersed in the gripping yet tragically dark Netflix series “13 Reasons Why.” Some of you may have heard of it. The program is based on the 2007 Jay Asher novel of the same name. Its fame is almost legendary in terms of how quickly it became the most ...

Lack of sack time turns mom into canvas of color

Do you think it’s possible to fall asleep with your eyes open? Hmm. According to the big brains over at verywell.com, it happens on occasion. Apparently, some folks have a condition called parasomnia. This is when someone is asleep but the brain isn’t fully at rest — and therefore, ...

Superpowers transform the world of boys

I wasn’t going to reveal this until I was much more advanced in age and closer to publishing a saucy, tell-all autobiography. OK, fine, it’s more likely to be a bedtime snoozer of my drab, humdrum existence. Either way, it seems like now may be as good a time as any to unmask myself. I ...

Basketball playoffs demonstrate life lessons

As I sat biting my nails watching my Cavs play the Pacers the other night, it occurred to me that the NBA Playoffs are really a metaphor for life. Yeah, yeah, I know I’m a LeBron Loyalist, an Irving Addict and an absolute Lover of Kevin Love (well, duh) … but I really do believe I’m ...

Celebrating a love that saved us all

Today is one of celebration for a whole heck of a lot of folks. For those of the Hebrew faith, it is the seventh full day of the Jewish feast called Passover, which is a commemoration celebrating God’s freeing of the Israelites from the Egyptian Pharaoh who enslaved them. As part of the ...

They grow up so fast — and so smarty-pants smart

No one likes a smarty pants — especially those of us with plain old, average trousers, you know what I mean? Well, except, of course, when the smarty pants in question belong to your son, and you’re watching him walk across the stage in them, as he is inducted into the National Honor ...

Technology turns tendencies toward texting

As I sat with my son Kyle at a restaurant the other night, I couldn’t help but notice that very few of the humans were interacting with those seated beside or across from them. Or at adjacent tables. Or in the building. Except for their server, of course, but only when they needed ...

Sharing trips around the sun

So, my pup Monnie and I are both March birthday girls. She’s the 22nd and as for Mommy, it’s tomorrow. She just celebrated the big number 6 and I’m about to enter the last year of my 40s. Hard, hard gulp. It occurs to me that next year we will almost be the same age according to ...

If I weren’t so peaceful, I’d poke her right in scanner

You know her. She’s the nameless, faceless, no-bodied voice at the self-checkout aisle in the grocery store. She is pushy and intolerant and terse. Not only does she yell at me to place items on the belt that are clearly rolling down the lane like a steamroller (and flattening the hot ...

Am I too old for long hair, Forever 21 clothes?

I remember some years back a very smart gentleman in our circle of friends named Tom penned a song for his beautiful wife, Paulette. If memory serves, the official title was “Is 40 Too Old for Pigtails?” The song and couple were and remain, adorable. As my husband, Kerry, celebrates his ...

Proud mama stays afloat with praises for team

I can’t swim. I am not being modest or exaggerating for emphasis. I can’t swim. I am 48 years old, the daughter of a man who was a longtime YMCA swim instructor and rescue diver for the sheriff’s department, and a woman who spent many of her formative years on the shores and in the ...

Brother’s birthday luncheon is no party

I have the world’s sweetest big brother. The kind of guy who will buy a magazine for me because it contains a story about my childhood obsession, James Dean. The sort of person who will insist on walking me to my car if we leave an event simultaneously. The teddy bear of a dude who will ...