Patty Kimerer column

Premade meatballs? Not in my kitchen, you don’t

I remember the first time I opened Kerry’s freezer when we were dating. I’m not sure how long we had been going out when I felt comfortable doing so but it was likely after a few months, I’d imagine. What I saw nearly ended our courtship before it officially began. The mental imagery ...

Student teaches you and thing or two… thousand

Nineteen years and three days ago, the world got a whole lot brighter, yo. And not just mine. #ThisKidsGoingPlaces But for my husband and me, that’s when the son — er, sun — came to rest over our little casa. His name is Kyle. Yep, that bundle arrived in dramatic fashion circa 1999, ...

A comes before I — and I’m not sure why

Remember back in the good old days when AI was simply a reference to two of the five (and sometimes six) vowels in the consonant-heavy English alphabet? These days, those two little vowels are weighing down on humanity like a sumo wrestler on an all-you-can-eat buffet, you dig? Artificial ...

November asks, ‘Who you callin’ ordinary?’

Well, this is it. The last Sunday in November. In the Catholic church, we take note of this particular one as the last Sunday in “ordinary time.” As if poor November hasn’t been through enough already from all that overshadowing by its adjacent months with their flashy holidays that ...

Thanks. Giving. Enough said? Apparently not

Thanksgiving. That poor, put-upon little holiday that gets lost amid the scary creepiness of Halloween and the lights, glitz and glorious splendor of Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and the other winter holidays. Sigh. Poor little old, neglected, practically skipped-over, ...

PK: Virtual vampire or insightful insomniac?

Remember when you were a little kid and one (or more) of your grandparents would talk about never sleeping? For me, it was my paternal grandmother, my Nonna. “No, I never sleep. One or two hours a night is all I need,” she’d say. Wait. What? What homo sapien could survive on such ...

Ponderings on meaning of life and a family man

The meaning of life. Hmm. No shortage of theories out there. Everybody from Einstein to Col. Sanders has offered opinions on the great mystery of human existence. Who’s to say which concept is right? Well, that one Big Guy, but He’s sorta letting us try to figure things out down here ...

Grandpa or grand theft paws — you decide

I’m no perfect person, yo. Clearly. I make more gaffes, blunders and mistakes than “Sex and the City’s” Carrie Bradshaw has Jimmy Choos in her oversized walk-in closet, you dig? It’s just that even a dunderhead like me knows that you don’t steal. Like anything. Ever. It’s a ...

Plus fries? That’ll be $917 at Window 2

I know that convenience doesn’t come without a price. Need something from Waterford Crystal overnight for a Saturday wedding ’cause you got sidetracked and never grabbed the vase at the mall and now it is out of stock? #ItHappens You can drive 10 1/2 hours, round trip (assuming you can ...

My image of Denver has gone up in smoke

Well, Toto, it certainly wasn’t a trip to Kansas. Or Oz, either, although I’m pretty sure they have their own version of the Lollipop Guild there. Hmm. Nope, it was a quick weekend getaway to the Mile High City. (Note: That second word is a hint to the type of suckers commonly found in ...

Was R.E.M. right, as we know it, in ’87?

Maybe it’s because one of my favorite television programs, AMC’s spooky sci-fi drama “The Walking Dead,” returns from it’s LONG midseason break tonight. #TWD Or maybe it’s because, within the first few episodes of its resumption, TWD will promptly kill off its main character, Rick ...

It’s just not nice to be kind, apparently

I’m sure you have seen it. It’s that commercial for KIND brand nutrition bars that opens with the voiceover: “Some people confuse nice with kind.” It goes on to promote the “virtues” of their nature snack as opposed to synthetic shortcomings in the ingredients of other brands. ...

From noble beginnings comes royal klutz

Sure, I am aware that the name Patricia is derived from Old English and means “noble.” I might argue that the root source could and should, in fact, be traced to Emerald Isle origins. I’m Irish, sue me. Lest we forget that the original ruling class in ancient Rome (my other half!) was ...

We’re taking creative license on our driver’s licenses

There is an old joke about having a life goal to someday weigh as much as it says I do on my driver’s license. I am an old girl, so I know a lot of old jokes. #50 Either way, the average homo sapien stretches the boundaries of truth when it comes to certain DL declarations. In fact, we ...

Why is everybody always picking on me?

It’s not a competition, really. More of a compare-and-contrast type of situation. I mean, I’m not better than him. He’s not above me. Truth be told, I’ve lived my whole life feeling sorry for the poor little guy, what with all of his very public humiliations and all. Turns out we ...

Sticking together through all — even ‘Live: PD’

After the first two decades or so of living with another human, you tend learn a few things; even if only through osmosis. And, 23 years ago today, I started living with this really cute, really sweet, really fun guy. It was after we got hitched on a perfectly sunny-and-75 late summer ...

Tips to college secrets that nobody tells

There are so many things that people don’t tell you about moving your kid to college. Make no mistake that there are a plethora of things people DO tell you. Many are true and spot-on. Others, not so much. But what about that whole host of things that people fail to mention? Little ...

Wizards cast disgusting spells in world of retail

Can you believe that I recently had a close encounter with some of the antagonists from Harry Potter’s world? There they were, four legit wicked wizards. And I didn’t even have to travel to Hogwarts to find them. Apparently, they hang their cloaks at the local mall. The sightings ...

I’m a Walkman girl in an ear bud world

It all started innocently enough a few days ago. I was having an INXS concert in my ears... well, in office while I whittled away on a press release. The concert came via my Amazon music library on my iPhone and made possible via my ear buds. Sorta. You see, they kept falling out of what ...

Life lessons learned from one angry bird

Remember Foghorn Leghorn? Man, I always loved him. He’s my pop’s favorite, too. He’s that arrogant cartoon rooster from the Looney Toons series. You know, the good old Southern boy squawker who quips stuttering one-liners chock full of sarcasm and hilarious similes and metaphors. They ...