Burton Cole column

Sew, jest hau due ewe spill thet wurd, anyweigh?

I saw the most amazing thing on Facebook the other day. Under the photo of a cuddly kid, someone commented, “Aw.” Finally, someone got it right! “Aw,” as in “how cute,” is the interjection social media misspellers usually mean when they type “awe.” The noun “awe” depicts ...

Sew, jest hau due ewe spill thet wurd, anyweigh?

I saw the most amazing thing on Facebook the other day. Under the photo of a cuddly kid, someone commented, "Aw." Finally, someone got it right! "Aw," as in "how cute," is the interjection social media misspellers usually mean when they type "awe." The noun "awe" depicts an overwhelming ...

Hopeless millennial or a senior having moments?

I'm a lot younger than I feel. Or than the calendar claims I am. I chanced upon this happy news reading a newspaper article in which researchers rate millennials as hopeless when it comes to basic life skills. I thought I had life skills down pretty well. The truth is, I don't have life ...

Summertime and the sayings are easy

It was the great philosopher James Dent who said, “A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing and the lawn mower is broken.” You’re not going to believe this but my lawn mower is broken. No, really, it is. Besides, as the great ...

Where did all of the time go? Let’s add it up

As the great philosophers The Steve Miller Band so profoundly once said, “Time keeps on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’ into the future.” According to various polls and researchers, before you slip into your final future, you will have spent an accumulative six months of your life ...

‘The more the merrier’ not true for introverts

I like people — as long as I don't have to interact with any. It's like walking through the zoo: I'm amused by the exhibits, but as soon as a person escapes his habitat and charges me with a smile and outstretched hand, I run for cover. It's not that I can't carry on a conversation. I'm ...

For handsome or handy, hammer and duct tape handled most repairs

The great philosopher Red Green states, “Remember, if the women don’t find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.” In that case, I am way beyond movie star handsome. I am drop-dead gorgeous. That’s why my wife did a drop-dead faint the last time I attempted something handy ...

Wake up and smell the chocolate chip cookies

Science says sleep deprivation can cause the brain to eat itself. This is why I always keep a healthy stash of chocolate chip cookies in my desk. Give the brain a choice between mushy gray cells or chocolate brown chips and my suspicion is it will chomp the cookies every time. Think about it. ...

I forget what it’s like to remember

I’m worried about my wife. She can’t remember anything anymore. She’s much too young to have grown this forgetful. I mean, she’s only... her birthday is... I should probably look that up. Anyway, the other day, I followed the coils of the garden hose through the yard to find water ...

Same words but spouses speak different languages

The times I’ve been in the most trouble at home are either for something I said or, more likely, that I didn’t say. I never know which. My wife and I speak entirely different languages. Our words are the same. We use the same syntax. Even our accents match. But what it all means — and ...

Jumble of odd thoughts excavated from ill-advised cleanup

Cleaning out the garage ranks as one of the most dangerous tasks a guy can do. The temptation to tidy tingles when the garage reaches maximum capacity. Disrupting this delicate balance of clutter can bring the piles crashing down upon you, burying you in boxes you forgot to unpack when you ...

Gramps grumbles tall tales, poor puns about farm life

“Gramps, tell me one of your made-up stories of growing up on the farm.” The old man embedded in the easy chair yawned. “My yarns are true, every last one.” The kid clambered into the old man’s lap. “Did you have sheep on your farm?” “We had bunches of sheep. A wool lot of ...

Alliterative procrastination alleviates predicament

Terry and I hurried to get gussied up for an event we really didn’t want to attend. We’d putzed and procrastinated until we couldn’t putter around anymore. There was nothing left to do but dress and go, like it or not. “I guess I better get my shoes.” She sighed. “Have you ever ...

House ghost pulls pranks, collects mail

The ghost who lives in our house is about to retire. I know, because his junk mail last week included an offer to supplement his brand new Medicare eligibility. Donnell is our ghost. His junk mail’s been showing up in our box for about as long as we’ve lived in our house. Or possibly his ...

A Burt by any other name is just as confused

I need a name change. It seems that to succeed in life, one needs great talent, a delightful personality, stunningly good looks or a really cool name. My option was obvious. A nom de plume it is. Mom and Dad planned to name me Martha Louise, but I didn’t cooperate. So they settled on ...

Unmarked boxes, butter bowls add adventure to storage

There’s treasure in my garage. Well, there might be. It’s hard to tell. I never finished unpacking when I moved in 20 years ago. When we ran out of room in the house, I shoved the final unopened cardboard boxes into far corners of the garage. They’re still there. These days when we ...

Reader’s joke file filled to top with chuckles

A message was penned on the back of the envelope: “If I was meant to pop out of bed, I would sleep in a toaster.” I opened the 6-by-9-inch packet and shook out a sheaf of papers. The sender, Marcie Danyi of Niles attached a note: “Look what I found in my joke collection.” Now this is ...

Cake, ice cream smart choices for breakfast

Last month, I brought you the extremely important scientific scoop that — despite what Mom claimed glopping oatmeal in your bowl — ice cream is the intelligent choice for breakfast. Ice cream makes your brain run as smoothly as cookies and cream. The revelation raised serious questions ...

Go ahead, get lost for peace and adventure

“We never get lost anymore,” she said. “Why don’t you ever take me some place where we’re lost?” It’s true. The adventure, the excitement, the romance of getting lost is, well, lost. “This neighborhood doesn’t look familiar,” Terry said. “I must have taken a wrong ...