I’ve decided to bulk up on fitness for fat health

Burt's Eye View

My doctor talks dirty. If words like “diet” and “exercise” aren’t profanity, then I don’t know what are.

Trouble is, I’m beginning to suspect that she might be right.

When I was in my teens, people shoved food at me out of fear that a mild gust would blow me away. I gobbled pizza and Coke but became even thinner.

Back then, I owned a surplus of metabolism. But one day I set down my metabolism, just for a minute, but forgot where. I haven’t seen it since.

In my 20s, even out of shape, I could lace up running shoes and keep pumping half of forever. With three or four days to pop fitness levels back in line, I’d run the other half of forever.

Back then, I owned a surplus of stamina. But one day I set it down, just for a minute, and it joined my metabolism. I haven’t seen it since, either.

More decades have come and more possessions have gone — things like momentum, energy and color in my hair. Now mornings begin with Snap! Crackle! Pop! Not from my cereal; those are the creaks my body makes as I groan out of bed. Eventually, I crawl to the kitchen for my morning oatmeal, flaxseed and old people pills.

“That’s it,” I told my wife the other morning, after I caught my breath. “It’s time I found my stamina and metabolism again. Maybe they’re hiding at this fitness thing my doctor’s always yammering about.”

“Oh, good,” she said. “I’ll dig your running shoes out of storage.”

“Nope. I’m going to become a body builder.”

She eyed my physique. “You do have a lot of years of building under your belt. But aren’t the built-up parts supposed to bulge in different locations?”

“All it will take is a little rearranging. Now help me up.”

I researched fitness over a couple of burgers and supersized fries, and here’s what I found — body building is based on a concept called bulking up.

Bulking up makes a whole lot more sense than what my doctor recommended — barbaric principles based on “losing weight” and “sprinting past the doughnut shop.”

Insane. I don’t cotton candy to such radical fads.

But ads for products like “Mega Weight Gain” and “Mass Builder” packed every muscle magazine I Googled. It plays to my strengths.

According to standard height / weight charts, I am already 7-foot-8 because of all the body building I’ve already accomplished. It’s not easy being this tall. It’s a little tough for a guy of my height to squeeze into standard chairs.

Here’s the plan. Until now, I’ve concentrated most of my bulking up in one general area. I believe it is more structurally sound to have a solid center of gravity.

Now as a bodybuilder, I’ll simply shift a few bits of bulk from my center of gravity into my biceps, shoulders, chest, thighs and calves. If my metabolism refuses to return, it’s OK. It would only get in the way of my fitness.

I can hardly wait to impress my doctor. She’ll probably have me lecture all her other patients. I know just the place to hold the first seminar — the ice cream shop. Hot fudge sundaes are excellent for building muscle mass.

If that doesn’t sweeten words like “diet” and “exercise,” then I don’t know what will.

— Seek workout advice from Cole at burtseyeview@tribtoday.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.