I resolve to solve these mysteries …
Burt's Eye View
In the coming new year, I, Burton W. Cole, hereby resolve to discover the answer to these perplexing life questions:
• How can one size possibly fit all? That has to be some serious elastic. Maybe it works by squeezing a person so much that he’s suffocated into the same size as his much more svelte neighbor.
• I resolved for the last 42 years in a row to lose weight, so why do I have to keep buying bigger pants? Maybe I should look for one-size-fits-all.
• Why do some people like to hear themselves talk far more than anyone else does?
• If I resolved to eat even more chocolate in the coming year, would that be possible? Would I be too blissful to care?
• When my wife borrows my stuff, why doesn’t she put it back where I’m going to look for it? Instead, she puts it “in a place where you’ll be sure to see it.” I never do. But I feel it when I sit down.
• Decades ago, I watched music awards shows and wondered how it was even possible that my father didn’t know who the musicians were. An ad for an upcoming music awards show featured a lot of names and faces I didn’t recognize. When did I become my dad?
• Why is it a bad habit if I do it but an “endearing trait” if she does the same thing?
• How come that annoying friend who always knows 16 better ways to get a job done than the way I’m doing it disappears when it’s time to do the actual work? Shouldn’t he be thrilled at the chance to demonstrate his superior skills?
• Just how many people does it take to change a light bulb? It’s been burned out for three weeks already.
• Why do guys accept it as a challenge to see how far they can drive when the “low gas” light comes on? How do you know if you’ve won? If the car coughs and quits when you pull into the gas station parking lot and you end up coasting to the pump? Otherwise, you either refueled too early or you’re sitting on the side of the road listening to the flashers click out the cadence, “You lose, you lose, you lose…”
• What does it mean to have “meaningful conversation”? It sounded “meaningful” to me.
• Why is a grunt not an acceptable acknowledgment that I was listening?
• How did the guy with the obnoxious boat horn get my cellphone number? And why does he expect me to go on a free cruise after he’s blown the stuffing out my other ear? Or to even hear what he’s saying?
• If God formed us from dust and our mortal bodies return to dust after we die, exactly how many people are coming or going on my bookcase?
• How come I never resolve to read the books I already own instead of borrowing bundles of new books from the library every week or so? Not only would that save on gas and overdue fines, but I’d be less likely to find a body freshly come or gone on my bookcase.
• What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
• What happened to the rest of 2017? Are you sure we didn’t skip March, April and August? When I was a kid, it seemed like eight years or so between Christmases. The way the clock spins these days, I’m probably already late at starting my shopping for Christmas 2018.
I’ll let you know what I find out. If I’m not too busy keeping my chocolate resolution.
— Send New Year’s resolutions to Cole at firstname.lastname@example.org or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.