Where did all of the time go? Let’s add it up

Burt's Eye View

As the great philosophers The Steve Miller Band so profoundly once said, “Time keeps on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’ into the future.”

According to various polls and researchers, before you slip into your final future, you will have spent an accumulative six months of your life waiting at red lights, another six months waiting in lines, three years doing laundry and a mere 27 days being romantic.

Yep, far more of your life will be spent up to your elbows in stinky socks and soiled shorts than sighing in sweet cuddles watching sunsets.

Here’s what else I discovered while killing time surfing the Internet when I was supposed to be on the clock:

At an average lifespan of 79.5 years, we will spend 26.5 years of our life sleeping, and seven years lying in bed waiting to fall asleep.

At 40 hours a week, you will spend 10.3 years of your life at work. Four of those years will be spent on the phone and two more years stuck in meetings. (I think I was in that meeting just last week.)

The average American spends 38 hours a year waiting in traffic — much more in metropolitan areas.

Women will spend an accumulated 136 days of their lives getting ready to go places while men will do the same in a total 46 days. The study didn’t say so but my guess is men spend their other 90 days sitting in the car honking the horn.

You’ll rack up 4.4 years worth of eating and 17 years of your life dieting. The great philosopher Erma Bombeck once said, “I have dieted continuously for the last two decades and lost a total of 758 pounds. By all calculations, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.”

Sitting on the toilet will use up about 13 months of your life. Men will lose another four months shaving. See, my beard is a time-saver.

In this digital age, you’ll tally five years surfing the Internet and 11 years of life watching TV.

One study showed that a person checks his or her cellphone every 6 1/2 minutes — 150 times a day.

A third of all teenagers send more than 100 text messages a day.

When I was a kid, we didn’t have cellphones. We guys stood in clusters and watched girls. Which brings up a poll that claims men invest 11 months of their lives staring at women. For me, I think this was called high school.

We give up four to 5 1/2 years of our lives doing housework and another year looking for things we lost. I’m wondering, if we did less housework, would we also spend less time looking for things? I never think to search for a thing where it belongs.

We will accumulate 115 full days of laughter — and about 153 days complaining. In the 1950s, the average person chalked up three times the total of snorts, giggles and guffaws a day. That makes me want to complain about today’s lack of jolliness. But I don’t have time.

Another study says we have about 2,000 dreams a year — for an average lifespan of 79.5 years, that’s 159,000 dreams. We forget 80 percent of those dreams.

As the great philosopher Anonymous once said, “The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep!”

— Waste more time with Cole at burtseyeview@tribtoday.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.