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Key answer for reader

Burt's Eye View

People often pepper me with tough questions. It’s because of my ridiculously overstocked storehouse of knowledge.

“Thanks, professor,” the pests guffaw with relief after I’ve solved another dilemma. “Nobody does ridiculous like you.”

So I wasn’t surprised when I found in my mailbox a query from Betty Ogilbee of Kinsman. On fall-themed notepaper printed with pictures of pumpkins and squash, she wrote:

“I have four questions about keys:

“1. Why does my house key slip easily into the slot, unlock the door, but then refuses to be pulled out without a great deal of wiggling?”

Well, Betty, let us examine what we know about keys. They are baked by elves who live in trees.

No, wait, those are cookies. Keys are made by gnomes who live in dark, dank caves.

Have you ever tried to sleep on a cold, damp rock deep inside a dark, dank cave? It turns you crabby real quick.

Because they’re crabby, gnomes design keys on the pattern of fishhooks. Once inserted, hidden barbs pop out of keys and latch onto locks.

“2. I put my house and / or car key in the designated pocket of my purse. Why is it never there when I try to retrieve it?”

That’s because the other stuff in your purse is always playing tricks on them.

“Hey, Key,” the wallet will yell. “Come see these great photos of a cute Master Lock in Bermuda.” You, of course, don’t have any photos of Bermudan Master Locks in your wallet. It’s just a ruse to make it creep out of the key pocket.

After that, keys are jostled all over the insides of cavernous purses, jangling against tubes of lip balm, sticks of gum, wadded-up tissues, hard candies, sunglasses, paperclips and other denizens of the pocketbook.

After experiences like that, it’s no wonder keys will do anything to keep from being tossed back inside purses. So when you pop them into nice, safe locks, they blow up like puffer fish and hold on with their fishhooks like a kid being dragged to the dentist.

“3. In some of the newer cars, cards replace keys. How will they be found among all the credit cards?”

You’re not supposed to be able to distinguish card keys from credit cards. It’s all part of a plot masterminded by online ordering sites like Amazon, eBay, Shopify and such. I’m not saying it was those sites specifically, but there are some.

See, cars are all techie these days, stocked with toys like computers and onboard wi-fi. The perpetrating Internet ordering sites figure you were already driving to the mall, so why not rig your car to shop for you before you have a chance to leave the driveway.

Have you noticed odd things showing up on your doorstep, like orders of Ginsu knives, a dozen cases of Rice-A-Roni and two complete sets of the Encyclopaedia Britannica? Your car orders them every time you try to start it with your Visa or Discover card.

“4. Where can a key to a person’s heart to be found?”

From my experience, it’s written on fall-themed notepaper printed with pictures of pumpkins and squash.

— Got a tough question to be solved by the sagacious one? Inquire at burtseyeview@tribtoday.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.

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