Land of the freaks and home of the bickersons

Thank God it’s February. I mean that. Really, really a lot. Why does January seem to last for 4 1/2 months?

Maybe it’s not that way for everyone, say especially for those who live in regions where January’s weather is not abominable.

Then again, this year, the list of states that maintained warm temperatures throughout January was, um, Hawaii, I think? #brrrrrrrr

But for most of us here in the lower 48, January is just one extremely long, painful holiday hangover, no?

I guess it must just be the combination of readjusting to full work weeks and the miserable weather, which I’m attributing to the general overtone of mean in the country right now.

People, people, why we all so angry, yo? I know January’s cold and dreary and long. I know it’s dark as you’re driving into work and on the commute back home, as well. (At least for many.)

I know the folks up north are using blow torches to unfreeze their car door handles and need commercial-grade backhoes to dig themselves out from beneath 8,497 feet of by-now-brown snow.

I know the towns in the south completely shutter down when the forecasts call for freezing rain and their inhabitants need to don 47 layers of Gortex garments when the temperature dips below 50-degrees Fahrenheit.

But is that any reason to be so incredibly horrid to each other? Whatever happened to common courtesy and respecting an opposing point of view and agreeing to disagree and just plain old practicing Thumper’s mother’s rule of “If ya can’t say somthin’ nice, don’t say nothin’ at all.” #stopthemadness

Isn’t it bad enough that January lasted for 12 years? Or that the Cleveland Cavaliers are six games back in the Eastern Conference? (NOTE: This story went to press before the Cleveland / Houston game. Fingers crossed.) #comeoncavs #getitogether #allin

Or that ridiculously beautiful and sickeningly talented Tom Brady is going to win yet ANOTHER Super Bowl tonight? #GoEagles #BeatThePatriots

Or that we take a groundhog’s word on how much longer winter will last? #sorryphil

On top of all this, we have to listen to constant criticism and mockery and ridicule and judgment and squabbling and close-mindedness and discourtesy … and heck, those are just comments on my crazy ‘do. #curlyhairgirlproblems

That’s it. I’m done. I’ve had enough of the nastiness — and I’m talking to all of you, politicians on both sides. ZIPPA U LIPS already! HMPF.

Lately, I feel like I’m living in one of those DIRECTV commercials in which the announcer says everyone likes satellite instead of cable (not true, BTW), except for mutants who like tongue paper cuts and sitting in gum and getting their hands stuck in vending machines, etc. I mean, have we all become creeps who enjoy all the fighting and bickering and backbiting? #tolerance #coexisting #prayforpeace

At the end of the day, we humans have way more in common than not, right? I mean, we all love puppies, and rainbows, and vacations and chocolate. OK, some of you don’t love chocolate and I’m seriously considering checking to see if you are alien life forms. #JK

Listen, it’s a new day. It’s a new month. And really, it’s still a brand new year. Let’s try to put the United back in our old U.S. And we can all start by agreeing to root for the Eagles tonight, capisce?

Kimerer is a Tribune Chronicle columnist who just wants the humans to co-exist peacefully … or she’s gonna kick some tuchuses, you dig? Send her happy thoughts at www.patriciakimerer.com

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