Joke file chuckles help relieve season’s stressings

Burt's Eye View

While I know the true meaning of Christmas, I’ve also been around plenty enough years — never mind how plenty — to know the true reality of the season:


Planning, parties and not-quite-perfect presents; baking, cooking and unintended roasting; church services, play practices and teeth-grinding concerts; cards, wrapping paper and out-of-stock stock; his family, her family and who-are-these-people; and bills, bills and more did-we-really-spend-this-much bills — it all has a way of turning ho-ho-ho into harrumph-harrumph-hellllllp.

Before we turn green as the Grinch, let’s yank off the novelty deer antlers, wad up the festive sweaters and jump off the candy-cane-coated treadmill for a while.

We need to stop and smell the gingerbread. We need to chuckle, perhaps even chortle.

We need to dip into the jam-packed jokes file that longtime reader Marcie Danyi of Niles sent me.

I recently leafed through the pages that Marcie mailed and found these gems of holiday relief:

* An excited woman telephoned her physician: “Doctor, doctor, my husband swallowed a mouse! What shall I do?”

“Wave a piece of cheese in front of his mouth until I get there,” the doctor said.

Fifteen minutes later, he arrived at the house to find the woman waving a sardine. “I said a piece of cheese, not a sardine,” the doctor exclaimed.

“I know you did,” the woman replied. “But I have to get the cat out first.”

* Construction began on a new school and everyone in town turned out to watch. Afterward, one youngster summed up the day this way: “They dug for a new school but they didn’t find it.”

* Did you see this ad in the newspaper the other night? “For sale, Encyclopaedia Britannica. Never used — my wife knows everything.”

* A little boy asked his grandmother how old she was.

“I’m 39 and holding,” she said.

The boy thought for a moment, then said, “How old would you be if you let go?”

Speaking of old age jokes — something that snaps my attention now that I qualify for senior discounts — squint through your bifocals at these babies:

* Know how to prevent sagging skin? Just eat until the wrinkles fill out.

* It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

* I’m so old that my blood type has been discontinued.

* Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

* Agatha Christie once said, “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”

* Nelson Rockefeller is credited with this one: “There are three periods in life — youth, middle age, and ‘How well you look.'”

* Two children stood in front of a mummy case in the museum. On the bottom of the mummy case, they noticed a sign inscribed “1286 BC.”

“What does that mean,” the first child asked.

The second child thought a moment and said, “That must be the license plate number of the car that hit him.”

There you go. Wasn’t it nice to slide off the cinnamon and pine needle path and relax for a few moments?

Now jump up and decorate the tree again now that the cat and the kids have had a go at it. Season’s stressings.

— Share jokes with Cole at or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.